[It's...getting more and more difficult for Lalli to keep the emotions down. He shouldn't be surprised -- he is, but he shouldn't be. Emil's always been different, able to tug him free of the calm waters he set himself in.]
I could do it faster. I know I could. Why don't...you think I can help you?
( Forgetting his own advice of keeping it down. He'd...thought that much had been clear? Which makes him unsure as to what he said or what he should say to make that understood.
He quiets down again, trying to find a better way to sit on these stupid seats. At least one part of him should be comfortable. )
I know you're good at the whole scouting thing. You could do it fast and everything but...I just don't want you to.
( "to get hurt." or "to have to do that." might both be better ways to end that sentence. )
[He jerks back a little automatically at the louder voice, but he doesn't shut himself off and doesn't get up.]
I don't understand. [Obviously. Good ol' mental kick for that.] Why don't you want me to? Won't it make things better? I want to make things better again.
( Emil's patience is thinning slightly. How do you perform the conversational equivalent of shoving someone's head into a pillow? Why is it so hard for Lalli to understand his concern here? )
It's obviously dangerous. It doesn't matter if it makes things better for me if it makes things worse for you. You shouldn't be involved in something like that!
[For a while he just stares, arms limp even though he feels like he's scrambling up a mountain. He was clearly meant to be getting this, but it just... It was ridiculous, and strange, and trying to force his thoughts into the shape needed to figure out this apparently very simple thing was making him shut down.]
That's okay. Everything is dangerous. It wouldn't make things worse for me. The only thing that would make things worse is you staying sad, or mad, or...whatever this is.
( In the meantime Emil's trying to manage his irritation, which is something he's unaccustomed to. Usually when he's mad or being pissy, he feels totally justified and victimized by what someone else has supposedly done. The frustration of feeling so strongly for someone else isn't something he's completely used to yet.
It's not that he has a problem with Lalli thinking he's mad necessarily -- oh boy, he's been mad at Lalli before. In this instance though, the point is to save Lalli, feelings or otherwise, and that's something he's tried to do over and over. So good job, that went swimmingly. )
I'm not mad! ( Exclaimed as softly and quietly as possible. ) I'm...worried, not mad. Everything isn't dangerous, but this is.
( Emil was concerned in the past about Lalli doing something as simple as scouting. Him becoming a knife-wielding vigilante is going to make him a little tense at the very least.
He's agreeing finally, so that's something. Emil loses some tenseness, now somewhat more assured that he's won this disagreement. )
I know. But it's okay to let someone else handle it or something, not you. Back home the dangerous stuff is your job...this isn't.
[Man... This place had turned into such a shitshow once Lalli had someone to actually feel responsible for. Still, he's not hopping up to avenge his friend anymore. That isn't what Emil wants him to do to help. So he won't.]
I'm still a scout. I know you and Yew -- [god fucking...ugh] Y-E-W. You both want me to be something else here. But I don't know how to not be a scout. [He sighs, shoulders hunching up around his ears.] ...I won't go. But I'm supposed to -- it's my job. And because you're my friend. You have to understand.
( Emil listens very intently, maybe a little bit of a rarity for him. As Lalli goes on, more than he's heard him talk in one burst since he somehow became inebriated, his stomach twists tighter and tighter.
Maybe it's not so much the words, but the posture. Despite the language barrier being broken, that's what Emil's used to reading. The words just sort of cement the message he's receiving. It adds a level to the defeated emotion he's already feeling, making his words very level and measured while his ears droop. Maybe he did do the wrong thing, even if his intentions were good. )
It's not like I think being a scout is bad. I thought you would feel better if you could find something else to do while you're here.
( It's also a little hurtful for some reason. Something that maybe bothers him more than it should. He knows Lalli is his friend and he's realized that he has more hangups than he thought about his whole scouting thing. Maybe he should feel flattered that Lalli's still taking his safety so seriously, but...
"Part of my job." Something about that stings a little. Perhaps it's something a little selfish. Of course it's part of Lalli's job to keep his teammates safe, but is feeling so strongly about wanting to protect him because of his job or because he's Emil's friend? Originally he thought getting Lalli to do something else might make him happier, but if he dropped being a scout for whatever reason, would that make him less important? )
You don't have to take care of me here because you're the mission scout. This place is different... I just don't understand why you really want to keep scouting so badly. ( Not that he wouldn't like to. It's not an easy thing to say, either. He knows Lalli wants him to understand, and he's sort of explained a little bit, but he just doesn't get it right now. )
[Funny how communication was still a wall between them. Maybe Lalli had been hoping for too much -- he just...didn't understand people. It was something even Tuuri hadn't been able to translate for him, and asking for it had always amounted to looks that said he was being bizarre, like he didn't belong, or like he was the burden he so fiercely needed to not be.
Being upset was making Emil even more upset. In a sick way, it's almost satisfying... But mostly it adds another boulder onto the already-crushing weight of his emotions. He hates this, he hates this, he hates everything about this.]
I'm... [Lalli swallows hard, like all that talking has left his throat coated in sawdust and he needs to actively fight to rectify it.] I will always...be a scout. Like I will always be a mage, or -- or Lalli Hotakainen. I just am.
[The magic was in his blood, but scouting was in his bones. It had shaped and nurtured him more than anything else. What was he, if not the thing he spend most of his life...living? Apparently Emil's not the only one in a crisis about their personal importance because of something that should be just a job. It's this complete integration that makes it hard for him to see the disconnect in Emil's own feelings -- how could it possibly just be the scout in him that wanted to fight for his friend when he was so hopelessly the scout with everything he had in him?]
( The feeling is almost like when he was scolded as a child, when he did know he'd done something wrong. The feeling that you shouldn't have done that and this whole sinking feeling would have been avoided. Regret but also a little bit of...shame?
It wasn't like anyone ever explicitly told him to make sure Lalli was okay. Weird things like watch him, follow him, bathe....him.... Those were all explicit commands, but being aware of Lalli's status was always something he just took upon himself. If Lalli wasn't okay he made sure he could try to correct it, but this is his fault.
Whether it's his fault for saying anything in the first place or pressing the issue, he's not sure. Whether he deserves to be at fault? Also not too sure; Emil's not the king of self-reflection. The "fault" here is cause and effect -- Lalli wouldn't be troubled if he wasn't a component in the issue.
It was his fault the last time too, but that was something a little more spastic and messy. Not that he ever had the chance to ask why it was his fault or make it better...Emil's no strategist, but he does know that if he can take the opportunity to actually ask what's up instead of trying to play telephone through a third party, he'd be stupid not to take it. )
Are you okay? You're upset, I think.
( Also not an upset he's seen much before. He's used to Lalli being more physically reactionary or angry, not receding. Will a tap or a pat or a blanket fix this? He'll go get one if necessary...
The only way to make his situation worse is to hurt Lalli on top of it all. )
[They're an infinite black hole of misery, these two. They really need to stop feeding into each other's stupid guilt issues.]
I don't know. Yes?
[to being okay or being upset]
I just want to be able to help you. [And for Emil to smile at him and tell him he did a great job at helping. Mmn.] They don't...have scouts here. They don't needs them.
[They don't need me, flickers in his eyes before he squeezes them shut. All of his skills were useless. All...
( That's an odd response, Emil thinks....but it's Lalli; what were you expecting here kid??
There's a vague recollection to a previous conversation -- where Lalli asked him if he was friends with him because he was useful. Hmm...he's not super good at this whole "putting the pieces together" thing, but he's becoming more emotionally intuitive little by little. Maybe it's not a question of Lalli only seeing their relationship as a scout and a cleanser after all.
Not that he knows what it all really connects to, but he might feel a little better. )
Uhm...yeah? Try what? ( He literally doesn't know what Lalli is going to "try" but if it makes him feel better....okay. He'll save being disagreeable for after he knows what it is. ) And you can help me in ways that aren't scouting.
( Not that Emil knows how but he'll think of something...Is Lalli open to the idea of making him an ice pack or is that out of his skill set? )
[I'm sorry, were you actually expecting Lalli to explain? He's explained so much already tonight, Emil, don't be so selfish. Nah, he's just going to reach over and brush Emil's bangs away from his face, gently smooth his fingertips above his brow, then trail down to caress his cheek with his knuckles. He hums a second, but he's always been confident in his spells despite his minimal training, so he quickly switches to speaking. He can feel the right note to start off with.
Of course it's still in damn Finnish. Spells have a certain meter to them, and this common language connecting them couldn't bend enough to fit properly into his prayer for relief -- physical and emotional -- for this good, sweet boy doing his best far away from home. He lets the gods know he still firmly feels their presence, just...humbly asks this favor. Protect Emil when Lalli was weak. Don't punish him with pain for Lalli's own failings. He would devote himself to doing better from now on.
It's...like an extended ice pack??? Kind of? Not as immediately or so jarringly felt, outside of the fact that Lalli is touching him and spouting nonsense, probably.]
( Yeah, maybe Emil was expecting an explanation. Not a diatribe, but "Something." is better than nothing; literally.
But then again, why does he expect anything normal from Lalli ever. Suddenly being touched catches him off guard, which explains the small "Uhh..." that escapes him as his eyes trail the path of Lalli's hand. It's purposeful and soft; not unpleasant in the least.
That's when things get, as Lalli would say, weird. Suddenly he's speaking in tongues -- oh wait, that's Finnish -- though quite melodiously. Emil's not really gotten the opportunity to bear witness to this kind of magic first hand, thus he's stupefied and not entirely sure what to do. At least what comes with this gibberish is a satisfying sensation, whether it's directly because of whatever Lalli is doing or not. There's no question that he's a little frozen because of the strange...whatever is being done to him, but there's no complaining. Just questions. )
Is this a spell? What is it doing? ( Said in a much lower whisper; aren't you not supposed to break up incantations or whatever this singing is. Not that whispering is much better, but it's Emil so. )
[Good thing he's just about done, or he'd have to switch to pinching the end of Emil's nose to reprimand him. This time, his hum is an affirmation, and there's a touch of fondness in his eyes in place of a smile someone else might offer.]
...It's a blessing for protection and healing, if the gods grant it. I think they will. Maybe. Even if you thought magic wasn't real.
( Wow excuse him and his atheistic ways.....actually, yes please do that if you can hear all this, weird Finnish gods. Don't forsake this idiot. )
Oh. Thank you. ( He figured as much! Sort of. Emil smiles a very small and appreciative smile before he touches his nose gingerly and oh man that was a mistake. Ow. What the -- okay maybe these gods are stupid and useless. )
Can they even...I don't know, understand you or whatever? While you're here, anyway. Does that magic stuff even work here, I mean? ( The whole "Maybe." has been ignored completely; he'd like to feel better now, thanks. )
It was in Finnish. I could tell. [like!!! you're so rude. all those happy warm feelings from when emil smiled at him are revoked.] It still takes time. Stop touching it!
No, no, I know it's Finnish! I mean...aren't your God things back home and we're here. How do you know they can hear you?
( Who's the heckin dingle dongle now?? Still Emil because he doesn't know how this magic business works and doesn't care to...unless it interferes with his face not being hideously disfigured. )
I don't know how your magic stuff works... ( Said under his breath and in a huff. How is he supposed to know whether or not some gods can cross...dimensions or portals or whatever the hell was going on around here?
But that's enough being petulant for a second. He told Lalli he could help him in other ways -- potentially ways that involved less stabbing. Lalli delivered, and he's simultaneously grateful and relieved.
After a second or two of being a little sheepish, he does it properly this time: )
Thanks...you know, I've never actually seen you do the whole mage thing before. ( At least unless you count troll pointing and magic comas.
That's actually kind of cool to him...he finally got what he wanted. )
[He lets his gaze hover somewhere above Emil's shoulder while he considers this, even as he sinks his cheek into the gross Cypress couch. Ugh, even he'd think twice about sleeping under this thing... But Emil is thanking him, and must...be feeling a little better, in some way. That's nice.]
( It's hard to be comfortable when you're constantly thinking about how your face must look like it's covered in grape jelly and these couches do really suck...but he's getting there, leaning back and trying to see if he feels more healed or protected yet. )
The...kallo-what? ( Did he forget some magic thing...he feels like he would remember some cool magic thing. )
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I could do it faster. I know I could. Why don't...you think I can help you?
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( Forgetting his own advice of keeping it down. He'd...thought that much had been clear? Which makes him unsure as to what he said or what he should say to make that understood.
He quiets down again, trying to find a better way to sit on these stupid seats. At least one part of him should be comfortable. )
I know you're good at the whole scouting thing. You could do it fast and everything but...I just don't want you to.
( "to get hurt." or "to have to do that." might both be better ways to end that sentence. )
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I don't understand. [Obviously. Good ol' mental kick for that.] Why don't you want me to? Won't it make things better? I want to make things better again.
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It's obviously dangerous. It doesn't matter if it makes things better for me if it makes things worse for you. You shouldn't be involved in something like that!
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That's okay. Everything is dangerous. It wouldn't make things worse for me. The only thing that would make things worse is you staying sad, or mad, or...whatever this is.
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It's not that he has a problem with Lalli thinking he's mad necessarily -- oh boy, he's been mad at Lalli before. In this instance though, the point is to save Lalli, feelings or otherwise, and that's something he's tried to do over and over. So good job, that went swimmingly. )
I'm not mad! ( Exclaimed as softly and quietly as possible. ) I'm...worried, not mad. Everything isn't dangerous, but this is.
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Mrrrh...
[He frowns down at his hands, then at the ceiling, and his cat ears droop.]
Uhn. Okay... But it's not more dangerous than a lot of stuff I do. They're just people. Bad people.
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He's agreeing finally, so that's something. Emil loses some tenseness, now somewhat more assured that he's won this disagreement. )
I know. But it's okay to let someone else handle it or something, not you. Back home the dangerous stuff is your job...this isn't.
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[Man... This place had turned into such a shitshow once Lalli had someone to actually feel responsible for. Still, he's not hopping up to avenge his friend anymore. That isn't what Emil wants him to do to help. So he won't.]
I'm still a scout. I know you and Yew -- [god fucking...ugh] Y-E-W. You both want me to be something else here. But I don't know how to not be a scout. [He sighs, shoulders hunching up around his ears.] ...I won't go. But I'm supposed to -- it's my job. And because you're my friend. You have to understand.
[which is wHY HE'S TALKING SO MUCH burn him]
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Maybe it's not so much the words, but the posture. Despite the language barrier being broken, that's what Emil's used to reading. The words just sort of cement the message he's receiving. It adds a level to the defeated emotion he's already feeling, making his words very level and measured while his ears droop. Maybe he did do the wrong thing, even if his intentions were good. )
It's not like I think being a scout is bad. I thought you would feel better if you could find something else to do while you're here.
( It's also a little hurtful for some reason. Something that maybe bothers him more than it should. He knows Lalli is his friend and he's realized that he has more hangups than he thought about his whole scouting thing. Maybe he should feel flattered that Lalli's still taking his safety so seriously, but...
"Part of my job." Something about that stings a little. Perhaps it's something a little selfish. Of course it's part of Lalli's job to keep his teammates safe, but is feeling so strongly about wanting to protect him because of his job or because he's Emil's friend? Originally he thought getting Lalli to do something else might make him happier, but if he dropped being a scout for whatever reason, would that make him less important? )
You don't have to take care of me here because you're the mission scout. This place is different... I just don't understand why you really want to keep scouting so badly. ( Not that he wouldn't like to. It's not an easy thing to say, either. He knows Lalli wants him to understand, and he's sort of explained a little bit, but he just doesn't get it right now. )
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Being upset was making Emil even more upset. In a sick way, it's almost satisfying... But mostly it adds another boulder onto the already-crushing weight of his emotions. He hates this, he hates this, he hates everything about this.]
I'm... [Lalli swallows hard, like all that talking has left his throat coated in sawdust and he needs to actively fight to rectify it.] I will always...be a scout. Like I will always be a mage, or -- or Lalli Hotakainen. I just am.
[The magic was in his blood, but scouting was in his bones. It had shaped and nurtured him more than anything else. What was he, if not the thing he spend most of his life...living? Apparently Emil's not the only one in a crisis about their personal importance because of something that should be just a job. It's this complete integration that makes it hard for him to see the disconnect in Emil's own feelings -- how could it possibly just be the scout in him that wanted to fight for his friend when he was so hopelessly the scout with everything he had in him?]
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It wasn't like anyone ever explicitly told him to make sure Lalli was okay. Weird things like watch him, follow him, bathe....him.... Those were all explicit commands, but being aware of Lalli's status was always something he just took upon himself. If Lalli wasn't okay he made sure he could try to correct it, but this is his fault.
Whether it's his fault for saying anything in the first place or pressing the issue, he's not sure. Whether he deserves to be at fault? Also not too sure; Emil's not the king of self-reflection. The "fault" here is cause and effect -- Lalli wouldn't be troubled if he wasn't a component in the issue.
It was his fault the last time too, but that was something a little more spastic and messy. Not that he ever had the chance to ask why it was his fault or make it better...Emil's no strategist, but he does know that if he can take the opportunity to actually ask what's up instead of trying to play telephone through a third party, he'd be stupid not to take it. )
Are you okay? You're upset, I think.
( Also not an upset he's seen much before. He's used to Lalli being more physically reactionary or angry, not receding. Will a tap or a pat or a blanket fix this? He'll go get one if necessary...
The only way to make his situation worse is to hurt Lalli on top of it all. )
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I don't know. Yes?
[to being okay or being upset]
I just want to be able to help you. [And for Emil to smile at him and tell him he did a great job at helping. Mmn.] They don't...have scouts here. They don't needs them.
[They don't need me, flickers in his eyes before he squeezes them shut. All of his skills were useless. All...
Hmn.]
Um. Can I...try? Something.
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There's a vague recollection to a previous conversation -- where Lalli asked him if he was friends with him because he was useful. Hmm...he's not super good at this whole "putting the pieces together" thing, but he's becoming more emotionally intuitive little by little. Maybe it's not a question of Lalli only seeing their relationship as a scout and a cleanser after all.
Not that he knows what it all really connects to, but he might feel a little better. )
Uhm...yeah? Try what? ( He literally doesn't know what Lalli is going to "try" but if it makes him feel better....okay. He'll save being disagreeable for after he knows what it is. ) And you can help me in ways that aren't scouting.
( Not that Emil knows how but he'll think of something...Is Lalli open to the idea of making him an ice pack or is that out of his skill set? )
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Of course it's still in damn Finnish. Spells have a certain meter to them, and this common language connecting them couldn't bend enough to fit properly into his prayer for relief -- physical and emotional -- for this good, sweet boy doing his best far away from home. He lets the gods know he still firmly feels their presence, just...humbly asks this favor. Protect Emil when Lalli was weak. Don't punish him with pain for Lalli's own failings. He would devote himself to doing better from now on.
It's...like an extended ice pack??? Kind of? Not as immediately or so jarringly felt, outside of the fact that Lalli is touching him and spouting nonsense, probably.]
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But then again, why does he expect anything normal from Lalli ever. Suddenly being touched catches him off guard, which explains the small "Uhh..." that escapes him as his eyes trail the path of Lalli's hand. It's purposeful and soft; not unpleasant in the least.
That's when things get, as Lalli would say, weird. Suddenly he's speaking in tongues -- oh wait, that's Finnish -- though quite melodiously. Emil's not really gotten the opportunity to bear witness to this kind of magic first hand, thus he's stupefied and not entirely sure what to do. At least what comes with this gibberish is a satisfying sensation, whether it's directly because of whatever Lalli is doing or not. There's no question that he's a little frozen because of the strange...whatever is being done to him, but there's no complaining. Just questions. )
Is this a spell? What is it doing? ( Said in a much lower whisper; aren't you not supposed to break up incantations or whatever this singing is. Not that whispering is much better, but it's Emil so. )
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...It's a blessing for protection and healing, if the gods grant it. I think they will. Maybe. Even if you thought magic wasn't real.
[you godless swede you]
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Oh. Thank you. ( He figured as much! Sort of. Emil smiles a very small and appreciative smile before he touches his nose gingerly and oh man that was a mistake. Ow. What the -- okay maybe these gods are stupid and useless. )
Can they even...I don't know, understand you or whatever? While you're here, anyway. Does that magic stuff even work here, I mean? ( The whole "Maybe." has been ignored completely; he'd like to feel better now, thanks. )
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It was in Finnish. I could tell. [like!!! you're so rude. all those happy warm feelings from when emil smiled at him are revoked.] It still takes time. Stop touching it!
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( Who's the heckin dingle dongle now?? Still Emil because he doesn't know how this magic business works and doesn't care to...unless it interferes with his face not being hideously disfigured. )
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They're gods. And I'm a mage! I can feel them, like all spirits.
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I don't know how your magic stuff works... ( Said under his breath and in a huff. How is he supposed to know whether or not some gods can cross...dimensions or portals or whatever the hell was going on around here?
But that's enough being petulant for a second. He told Lalli he could help him in other ways -- potentially ways that involved less stabbing. Lalli delivered, and he's simultaneously grateful and relieved.
After a second or two of being a little sheepish, he does it properly this time: )
Thanks...you know, I've never actually seen you do the whole mage thing before. ( At least unless you count troll pointing and magic comas.
That's actually kind of cool to him...he finally got what he wanted. )
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[He lets his gaze hover somewhere above Emil's shoulder while he considers this, even as he sinks his cheek into the gross Cypress couch. Ugh, even he'd think twice about sleeping under this thing... But Emil is thanking him, and must...be feeling a little better, in some way. That's nice.]
You have. When I made the kallohonka.
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The...kallo-what? ( Did he forget some magic thing...he feels like he would remember some cool magic thing. )
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[Ummm. Hmn. Let him think about this some more. All these things were so drilled into him that finding words to describe them was...difficult.]
The tree ritual. For the dog?
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