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[lalliho]

wip, brainspeaky thoughtnoises

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[lalliho]

I need to go home.

I want to go home.

[actus]

... what's going on back home?

[lalliho]

[...Now there's a tough one.]

Nothing anymore.

But it's my home. It's what I have left.

[actus]

isn't your friend here?

[ yeah........ ]

[lalliho]

[..................]

He can't be my friend.

[No matter how many gay moments and feelings he has.]

[actus]

[ ?????????? ]

why not?
you're both going back home eventually.

[lalliho]

He couldn't be my friend there either.

He's too different. He doesn't know anything.

[actus]

i didn't realize that knowledge was a prerequisite for friendship.
...if it was, i probably wouldn't have too many friends.

[ not that he has too many to begin with, but details. ]

[lalliho]

No it's

He doesn't understand me. I don't think he ever will. His life was too different.

He's soft. He's good. I can't break that. He should keep being able to smile.

He can't do that if he's friends with me.

[actus]

[ this is actually breaking his heart? ]

emil, right?
he was worried when you wouldn't wake up.
i don't think we get to decide who ends up caring about us.
even if we tell them not to be our friends.
i know it's easier to protect people by not letting them in.
but that's ... just going to hurt more people in the end.
trust me.

[lalliho]

[Welcome to that Lalli life, Akira.]

Do you know that for certain?

[actus]

[ he's here. it's hell. ]

a ... friend of mine did something similar.
kept pushing people away.
something happened to him.
and even though he did a pretty good job of pissing a lot of people off and did a lot of horrible things...
it still hurt.
even if we weren't "friends."
because i sometimes blame myself for not being able to help.

[lalliho]

[There's a distinct feeling of grief before Lalli can pull back on the connection, leaving only the barest trace of himself behind. He's still here, and he still wants to talk, he just -- needs to calm down.

A few poor coping mechanisms later, his mind approaches again.]

I don't know what to do.

[actus]

[ he's almost worried he's pushed too far, too fast, but he's glad to see the connection fully established. ]

... that's fine . i'm sure you have your reasons. i won't pretend i get what's going on in your world.
i just think it might be good, for the both of you, to give it a shot.
friends aren't all bad. promise.
but it's your decision, obviously.

[lalliho]

I don't know what to do, [is thought a few more times, not getting any less lost-sounding no matter how much he absently repeats it.

He's tired of not knowing. He's tired of a lot of things.]

How...do I be his friend? If I try it. He's really, really different.

[actus]

[ this poor broken-record guy. who hurt you, lalli ]

he seemed normal to me when i talked with him?
just be yourself. that usually works.
friends are mostly just people hanging out and talking, anyway.
it doesn't have to be anything elaborate.

[lalliho]

[Life did.]

He is normal. That's the problem.

I don't like being by people. I don't like talking. I'm not normal.

[actus]

for what it counts, i think you're pretty normal.
even if i just met you.
and even if you're not, that's what keeps things interesting.
when people are different.
otherwise, it's boring.

[lalliho]

Boring is safe.

[And he's definitely not normal, but apparently convincing Akita of that wasn't going to be easy, and he'd rather learn how to connect with Emil, soooo.]

[actus]

sometimes. but not always.
then again, i'm kind of a thrill-seeker, so i'm probably not the best person to ask what's "boring" or not.
...anyway, if it counts for anything, i don't think anyone here is "normal" by definition.

[lalliho]

No. Emil is. I'm pretty sure.

Try really hard not to die.

[actus]

but he has powers now, right?
so it all works out.
i don't think a friendship is based on "magic" or anything, either.

[lalliho]

Magic is normal for me. Emil setting fires is normal, too.

[...He's kind of affectionate about that despite his melancholy mood, in an amused, superior way.]

[actus]

yeah? on purpose or accidentally? it's very important....

[lalliho]

Both. He's stupid. But it's also his job?