( He's quite sure death is imminent, based on how fast his brain is moving right now. This is real shit, Lalli!!! He is having to face real shit happening in his real life and he can't just blow it all off!!! )
Oh...! Well, alright... ( If that's how it works, then okay. That was easier and more anticlimactic than he thought it should be. This honestly works out for the better, even if it's just pushing off the inevitable. )
...I don't really know how this is supposed to go. Akira just said to think about it, not what all it really means.
[After all the drama it took to get here, he can live with it just being someone that happens. It should have happened already and saved them some trouble! Which may have been what Akira did, telling Emil this shit, but that's still... Hrmn. He's not a fan. What if it hadn't worked out?]
No. I don't know either. But I don't think I'd like it the way everyone else does things... [Er, wait.] Unless you wanted that. And made it less weird. I guess.
( It's something that he can't even really think of as a concept...honestly, he doesn't really know how everyone else does things anyway. )
No...I'm sure it's different for everyone, regardless. ( He understands the basic flow of relationships, he's not stupid. It's just a lot to think about...even this small, sudden change is hard to digest. ) It's just...
( Shifting to look at Lalli, he gets a better glimpse at this picture. Lalli sitting there holding his hand, Lisko against him and blink-clicking slowly. Wow...this sure is something to have. A lizard child and his pointy boy--
[It's a trip to hear, but that doesn't stop him from reacting before the thought to stop himself even registers. He smiles and looks over, eyes bright, and it's the closest to a carefree happiness that his face has gotten in...forever. It's different from the occasional fondness or amusement. He's just...safe. He feels so safe.
That's embarrassing as heck, though, so he clears his throat and turns his attention back to Lisko.]
Mm. It is. [But, ah... That's not all that helpful, is it...] I don't want things to change just because of that. We're the same people. We're...feeling the same things. We just know, now, and that it's okay. So...
( Oh no...that's cute. Allow Emil to stare just a little bit because it's just occurred to him that he can acknowledge that Lalli is attractive. Inwardly...outwardly if he wants, maybe?? That's weird, oh god that's weird.
Lalli does have a strange attractiveness, though. He's got a really good face in general; nice cheekbones, that pointed, upturned nose isn't bad. It's not at all his first time noticing, but things being recontextualized is a...thing.
He lets go of Lalli's hand, hand going up to hesitantly touch the side of his face that's slightly turned away. He says that not much is different, but Emil being able to say he wants to touch Lalli and have it be meaningful is different. What may remain unchanged, he understands, is Lalli's fluctuating want to be touched in certain ways. Testing this boundary is bold, but maybe worth learning about!! )
[He sees the hand coming, but it still seems so sudden, and he flinches automatically when their skin connects. It's not as violent as it had been in the past, however, and he quickly shifts to lean back into the touch, letting his eyes close and a taut breath release.]
...It's going to be hard, [he murmurs, because he can feel this is a test that was just barely passed.] Things still feel like too much sometimes. Even when you make it better. This is fine, right now.
( The flinch scares him at first, but it's so small...the reciprocation also makes it worth it, even though Emil feels sheepish after having his test run called out. It is going to be hard. Being super handsy isn't on his mind, but he's such a casually and purposefully tactile person. It's one thing to keep it in mind with a friend, but not knowing how often, or even how you can touch the person you're dating when it's something as simple as a hug or soft touch...
Well, Lalli is worth the management.
He retracts his hand with a sign -- Lalli said it was fine, but holding hands isn't a bad thing to have to default back to. It's what he wants, anyway, and Emil's certainly not going to complain. He thinks back, for a second, to Sweden -- to the messy twig boy who he couldn't help but scoff at. He's dating that person now, holding his thin fingers in a clasp with his own. How far they've come. )
I'm glad. That I can make something better for you. ( So much had been going on in his own mind, it hadn't sunk in how flattering and happy that made him feel. It wasn't like he didn't already feel protective of Lalli, but knowing how he can help him feel more secure, all he wants is for that security to stay in place. ) And I'm sorry that I didn't get it before. That was really...romantic.
( how is lalli the one better at grand romantic gestures so far; emil has to even this score... )
[They'll get better at it. They made error after stupid error, but each time, they came back stronger... So with this, Lalli can trust that it's something that will get easier with practice. He trusts Emil, stupidly, with many aspects of his life.]
Ah.
[DON'T REMIND HIM, IT FILLS HIM WITH SHAME. He's gonna go back to looking at Lisko.]
No...! I just didn't think it was...that's my fault, not yours! I mean, I liked it. I just didn't know! If I did know, I'd have thought it was really sweet -- not that I don't think that now, but...you know.
( Help him... Being aware that his cake gift was supposed to be a confession, he's earnestly enamoured by it -- if Lalli did stuff like that again, he might melt. )
Now he has to do a big think. Would he like that... He likes cake. He likes Emil. He likes Emil giving him things, and considering him, and spending time with him...]
( Okay...useful information. He certainly likes cake, too, and he also likes doing things for and with Lalli. )
Okay, then I'll...do that. Eventually -- things like that are better when you don't know when you'll get them. ( BF surprises, how nice. Having a boyfriend has its perks. This is one of the obvious things he knows about dating, and it's worth bringing up. ) I'm pretty sure that's what people who are dating do.
-- Also dates in general, but we don't have to do what people usually do, after all! Even if that might be nice... If you want, anyway.
[This is a lot of blathering...but Lalli pays attention, trying to will his brain into having a better memory. Concentrating on it probably won't do him a ton of favors, since he's doing a lot of thinking about thinking instead of actually listening, but alas... That's just how it is, sometimes.]
( This is something to put thought into...he's not quite sure what to respond with; Emil would need to put a lot of thought into just one (1) date, let alone listing out examples for multiple dates. )
I don't know right now...whatever we want. It's more a general idea. ( He awkwardly shifts to one side, leaning on Lalli a little more. Just take it easy...but it's hard to take it easy when this can mean so much.
What's a way to explain it...hmm. ) I'm not saying things have to be completely different, but they should be a little different, right? In the military, when you get a new title, you get more responsibilities...it's sort of like that, I think.
[He's saying a lot of things, like...preparing for something he knows nothing about. Which was good, because that wasn't a bad idea and they could be inexperienced losers together, but why suggest dates...if you don't know what you would do for a date...and if you're not concerned about what the date activity would be...
Emil is such a mystery. Dating is such a mystery.]
Sure...? I just meant I didn't want things to be weird. We can do some new stuff, but not all the time...and you don't have to act like a different person even though you...got a promotion?
( Look...he was thinking about the best way to explain it to responsible, military-sensibilities Lalli. Except when Lalli parrots it back all it does is make him feel dumb! Wow. )
Yeah...that's what I mean, for the most part. Acting like a different person won't be an issue. ( He's too numbingly earnest 95% of the time, even though that 5% is still left open for ego-inflated showboating...which will likely come up on dates at first, as a warning. Lalli is Lalli no matter what. That's safe enough.
This is all still good to know, though. Taking it all in is kind of exhilerating actually, as can be felt by the smallest tremors in his hand. The surreal idea means so much and yet feels so natural. Exciting! But natural. After a few moments of silence, Emil finally clears his throat, not feeling like it's thickly coated in syrup anymore. )
Thanks -- ( ...and he immediately says something dumb. "Thanks," good lord. ) I mean...I'm happy. Really happy.
[But then why not just say that... Communication is still mystifying, great. Well, he's going to squish down the annoyance he feels at that fact waaaay down into the heels of his boots so he doesn't have to deal with it right now. Only good feelings.
Good feelings intensifying at this goofy idiot saying goofy idiot, but also really sweet things.]
Mmn. [He is, too. He's been wanting this for...longer than he'd care to admit, once he goes back and looks at stuff. This is good.
Gods, he still feels like he needs Lisko to shock him.] ...I will be. I am? But it's not... It's hard to think. I was really scared... I don't know if I know how to be really happy after being so scared, yet. Does that make sense?
...Except when you said those things. That was really good.
( If he had to tell the truth...not really. It doesn't make a lot of sense to him, since most of his emotions come and go freely. If he doesn't like them, he gets rid of them. Scared...hmm, he was a little scared. It wasn't really something he'd thought about much. That feeling of unknown fear and scary decision making thoughts were pushed aside quickly.
Now he understands that fear and it wasn't anything to worry about. There's a relief that is there, replacing the anxiety he wasn't even sure was real until a day or so ago. )
Why were you so scared? ( The implication is obvious, but he can't fully understand it. A part of him feels bad that he somehow helped inspire this fear, even if the 'why' of the matter isn't so clear. ) Not that it's a bad thing. I'm just curious...I want to know.
[...What a ridiculous question. That he has to think about while looking off into a corner of the room to work out. On automatic, he switches to telepathy. Much easier to explain his thought process when he was essentially using thoughts.]
I'm usually scared. I think I told you before that things happen to the people around me. I don't want you to get hurt... But I really don't want me to get hurt. I don't know what I'll do if something happens to you, and... Mmn.
If you knew what I was feeling, you might have decided it was really weird and gross because of who I am. I know I'm weird. People don't hide it. But then I tried to tell you, and I realized that -- that you didn't see me that way? Or you did, but you didn't? And it felt like learning that I was so weird that...no one would ever think I could. I'd keep being alone. Forever.
( Ah...a lot of it is just an expanded upon version of what he knows already. On one hand, he feels bad for prying. These are hard things to feel, and then to have to sit on them. Some of these fears aren't over. On the other, there's a lot of intimacy in knowing these things, and then in trying to assuage them as much as possible )
I know -- you know -- you aren't like a lot of other people. That's...not a bad thing. ( At least, Emil doesn't think that anymore. He squeezes Lalli's hand reassuringly, trying to face him as much as possible even with his head turned away. ) I know what you mean about getting hurt, too, but...it's also pretty normal when you care about someone, right? If something happened to you, it would be -- hard.
( There's not an emotional capacity within him to describe that feeling. Something beyond just a random magic coma; something big, irreversible, fatal. That's devastation he doesn't want to think about. Positives, positives. ) You're not going to be alone, okay?
[It may be pulled out of him like a reluctant thread tightening up as he tugs, but in the long run... In the long run, Lalli feels like it's better for Emil to be aware of all this stuff that drags him down like a swamp. Before he drowns in all that murky...muck. Maybe...Emil will be some kind of lifeline, a hand reaching out to him.]
Mmn. You're like the sun... It's always there, even when you can't see it. It just shines off the moon, instead. [It's one of the few science things he knows, but sunlight and the fact that the sun and moon were two sides of the same coin were two pretty important things, when you had to deal with trolls and worship old world gods.] You're sunshine...
[And that's...a relief. He wasn't used to being out in the sun -- more than he used to be, of course, since his schedule went out the window -- but it was a necessary, nourishing force that kept him and anyone under its light safe. Emil might be new and baffling, and this step in their relationship even moreso, but...he made things safe. Pulling Lisko closer against him, Lalli leans off to the side to rest his head against Emil's chest, now that he's facing him, and relax there.]
( Wow, that's a lot of gay shit to absorb at one time. Similar things have left Lalli's mouth before... Things just feel so much more...More...when liking each other is involved. He's sunshine...Lalli thinks he's sunshine. It certainly leaves him feeling warm, both naturally and because of the wily magic under his skin. It's not made any better by Lalli's head pressed against his chest. Whether or not he's got his work hat on, his hair is right there! Like a two finger face touch isn't super kosher, but this is acceptable?? You're fucking him up!!!
Lisko wriggles a bit at being squeezed slightly, though too comfortable to have much protest in them. Okay! Okay Lala! Tail flapping slightly all the while. )
Y-Yeah. ( That's about all he knows to say, just regurgiating a one word reassurance. He's sure Lalli thinks he's still an inexperienced idiot, now in more ways than one, assuredly. Still, he thinks so highly of him in other regards. It doesn't feel right to just leave his shakily-said word hanging there. ) Lalli, you...thank you.
( Because he's right there, next to him, Emil speaks softly while the thumb on the hand that's being held strokes Lalli's absentmindedly. ) You don't help me in the same ways, but you do... There's a lot about you that I think is great.
[It's different when he's initiating it... Things they'll get around to learning about one another after more trial and error. Also: deal with it, Lisko, he's feeling warm, fuzzy, and vulnerable. Accept your hugs.]
( Even though he's the one that brought it up, he suddenly feels put on the spot -- oops. Embarrassing. )
Well...you work really hard. Whenever you work, scouting or magic or your new delivery route, you're good at it. You're nice to me most of the time. You're concerned and you care. A lot about you is endearing, I guess is the best way to say it.
( It comes out choppy as he lists it all out, flustered and a little hurried. The last part catches on his tongue a little which causes him to slow down, catching his breath. Sorry if the chest you're resting on is a little erratic right now. )
It's...hard to say it in terms of specifics. It's more like altogether I think you're great. ( That's his way of saying "you're the total package." )
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Oh...! Well, alright... ( If that's how it works, then okay. That was easier and more anticlimactic than he thought it should be. This honestly works out for the better, even if it's just pushing off the inevitable. )
...I don't really know how this is supposed to go. Akira just said to think about it, not what all it really means.
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No. I don't know either. But I don't think I'd like it the way everyone else does things... [Er, wait.] Unless you wanted that. And made it less weird. I guess.
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No...I'm sure it's different for everyone, regardless. ( He understands the basic flow of relationships, he's not stupid. It's just a lot to think about...even this small, sudden change is hard to digest. ) It's just...
( Shifting to look at Lalli, he gets a better glimpse at this picture. Lalli sitting there holding his hand, Lisko against him and blink-clicking slowly. Wow...this sure is something to have. A lizard child and his pointy boy--
...Holy shit, that's right. ) You're my boyfriend now. That's...so strange.
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That's embarrassing as heck, though, so he clears his throat and turns his attention back to Lisko.]
Mm. It is. [But, ah... That's not all that helpful, is it...] I don't want things to change just because of that. We're the same people. We're...feeling the same things. We just know, now, and that it's okay. So...
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Lalli does have a strange attractiveness, though. He's got a really good face in general; nice cheekbones, that pointed, upturned nose isn't bad. It's not at all his first time noticing, but things being recontextualized is a...thing.
He lets go of Lalli's hand, hand going up to hesitantly touch the side of his face that's slightly turned away. He says that not much is different, but Emil being able to say he wants to touch Lalli and have it be meaningful is different. What may remain unchanged, he understands, is Lalli's fluctuating want to be touched in certain ways. Testing this boundary is bold, but maybe worth learning about!! )
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...It's going to be hard, [he murmurs, because he can feel this is a test that was just barely passed.] Things still feel like too much sometimes. Even when you make it better. This is fine, right now.
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Well, Lalli is worth the management.
He retracts his hand with a sign -- Lalli said it was fine, but holding hands isn't a bad thing to have to default back to. It's what he wants, anyway, and Emil's certainly not going to complain. He thinks back, for a second, to Sweden -- to the messy twig boy who he couldn't help but scoff at. He's dating that person now, holding his thin fingers in a clasp with his own. How far they've come. )
I'm glad. That I can make something better for you. ( So much had been going on in his own mind, it hadn't sunk in how flattering and happy that made him feel. It wasn't like he didn't already feel protective of Lalli, but knowing how he can help him feel more secure, all he wants is for that security to stay in place. ) And I'm sorry that I didn't get it before. That was really...romantic.
( how is lalli the one better at grand romantic gestures so far; emil has to even this score... )
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Ah.
[DON'T REMIND HIM, IT FILLS HIM WITH SHAME. He's gonna go back to looking at Lisko.]
...It was stupid.
[It's a sore spot.]
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No...! I just didn't think it was...that's my fault, not yours! I mean, I liked it. I just didn't know! If I did know, I'd have thought it was really sweet -- not that I don't think that now, but...you know.
( Help him... Being aware that his cake gift was supposed to be a confession, he's earnestly enamoured by it -- if Lalli did stuff like that again, he might melt. )
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Mrrrmn... It's still embarrassing.
[He's bad at being sweet if he has to think about it more than not at all!!]
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I guess I might feel like that if I did it but...I liked it, so that's good, right?
...If I did something like that for you, would you like it? ( Since the more he thinks about it, the worse and more embarrassed he feels. )
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Now he has to do a big think. Would he like that... He likes cake. He likes Emil. He likes Emil giving him things, and considering him, and spending time with him...]
Yes... I think so.
[He's taking this Very Seriously.]
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Okay, then I'll...do that. Eventually -- things like that are better when you don't know when you'll get them. ( BF surprises, how nice. Having a boyfriend has its perks. This is one of the obvious things he knows about dating, and it's worth bringing up. ) I'm pretty sure that's what people who are dating do.
-- Also dates in general, but we don't have to do what people usually do, after all! Even if that might be nice... If you want, anyway.
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What kinds of things would we do for dates?
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I don't know right now...whatever we want. It's more a general idea. ( He awkwardly shifts to one side, leaning on Lalli a little more. Just take it easy...but it's hard to take it easy when this can mean so much.
What's a way to explain it...hmm. ) I'm not saying things have to be completely different, but they should be a little different, right? In the military, when you get a new title, you get more responsibilities...it's sort of like that, I think.
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Emil is such a mystery. Dating is such a mystery.]
Sure...? I just meant I didn't want things to be weird. We can do some new stuff, but not all the time...and you don't have to act like a different person even though you...got a promotion?
[relationship promotion???]
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Yeah...that's what I mean, for the most part. Acting like a different person won't be an issue. ( He's too numbingly earnest 95% of the time, even though that 5% is still left open for ego-inflated showboating...which will likely come up on dates at first, as a warning. Lalli is Lalli no matter what. That's safe enough.
This is all still good to know, though. Taking it all in is kind of exhilerating actually, as can be felt by the smallest tremors in his hand. The surreal idea means so much and yet feels so natural. Exciting! But natural. After a few moments of silence, Emil finally clears his throat, not feeling like it's thickly coated in syrup anymore. )
Thanks -- ( ...and he immediately says something dumb. "Thanks," good lord. ) I mean...I'm happy. Really happy.
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Good feelings intensifying at this goofy idiot saying goofy idiot, but also really sweet things.]
Mmn. [He is, too. He's been wanting this for...longer than he'd care to admit, once he goes back and looks at stuff. This is good.
Gods, he still feels like he needs Lisko to shock him.] ...I will be. I am? But it's not... It's hard to think. I was really scared... I don't know if I know how to be really happy after being so scared, yet. Does that make sense?
...Except when you said those things. That was really good.
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Now he understands that fear and it wasn't anything to worry about. There's a relief that is there, replacing the anxiety he wasn't even sure was real until a day or so ago. )
Why were you so scared? ( The implication is obvious, but he can't fully understand it. A part of him feels bad that he somehow helped inspire this fear, even if the 'why' of the matter isn't so clear. ) Not that it's a bad thing. I'm just curious...I want to know.
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I'm usually scared. I think I told you before that things happen to the people around me. I don't want you to get hurt... But I really don't want me to get hurt. I don't know what I'll do if something happens to you, and... Mmn.
If you knew what I was feeling, you might have decided it was really weird and gross because of who I am. I know I'm weird. People don't hide it. But then I tried to tell you, and I realized that -- that you didn't see me that way? Or you did, but you didn't? And it felt like learning that I was so weird that...no one would ever think I could. I'd keep being alone. Forever.
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I know -- you know -- you aren't like a lot of other people. That's...not a bad thing. ( At least, Emil doesn't think that anymore. He squeezes Lalli's hand reassuringly, trying to face him as much as possible even with his head turned away. ) I know what you mean about getting hurt, too, but...it's also pretty normal when you care about someone, right? If something happened to you, it would be -- hard.
( There's not an emotional capacity within him to describe that feeling. Something beyond just a random magic coma; something big, irreversible, fatal. That's devastation he doesn't want to think about. Positives, positives. ) You're not going to be alone, okay?
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Mmn. You're like the sun... It's always there, even when you can't see it. It just shines off the moon, instead. [It's one of the few science things he knows, but sunlight and the fact that the sun and moon were two sides of the same coin were two pretty important things, when you had to deal with trolls and worship old world gods.] You're sunshine...
[And that's...a relief. He wasn't used to being out in the sun -- more than he used to be, of course, since his schedule went out the window -- but it was a necessary, nourishing force that kept him and anyone under its light safe. Emil might be new and baffling, and this step in their relationship even moreso, but...he made things safe. Pulling Lisko closer against him, Lalli leans off to the side to rest his head against Emil's chest, now that he's facing him, and relax there.]
Okay. I'm not going to be alone. Okay.
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Lisko wriggles a bit at being squeezed slightly, though too comfortable to have much protest in them. Okay! Okay Lala! Tail flapping slightly all the while. )
Y-Yeah. ( That's about all he knows to say, just regurgiating a one word reassurance. He's sure Lalli thinks he's still an inexperienced idiot, now in more ways than one, assuredly. Still, he thinks so highly of him in other regards. It doesn't feel right to just leave his shakily-said word hanging there. ) Lalli, you...thank you.
( Because he's right there, next to him, Emil speaks softly while the thumb on the hand that's being held strokes Lalli's absentmindedly. ) You don't help me in the same ways, but you do... There's a lot about you that I think is great.
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Hn? Like what?
[appeal to his ego]
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Well...you work really hard. Whenever you work, scouting or magic or your new delivery route, you're good at it. You're nice to me most of the time. You're concerned and you care. A lot about you is endearing, I guess is the best way to say it.
( It comes out choppy as he lists it all out, flustered and a little hurried. The last part catches on his tongue a little which causes him to slow down, catching his breath. Sorry if the chest you're resting on is a little erratic right now. )
It's...hard to say it in terms of specifics. It's more like altogether I think you're great. ( That's his way of saying "you're the total package." )
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