( It...is real. It doesn't feel real, though. Nothing about this feels normal or calm or...a bunch of other things. It's sinking in slowly but surely.
It's hard trying to catalog all of this new information that's come to him so quickly. The idea that it's all happening, all confirmed and true, makes him nervous and fidgety...oh Gods, this sure is a thing. How does he explain this when they go home eventually? )
Yeah...yes. ( Emil finally offers that reassurance and gently strokes Lalli's hand with his thumb, keeping the feeling of connection alive. This is completely uncharted territory, something he's only barely ever thought of, Lalli or not. It doesn't feel so bad to admit that he's lost. )
Is everything different now? ...Do you want anything to be different? ( He doesn't even know the answer, but maybe Lalli does. )
[It's real, and he has confirmation on it. That sends Lalli reeling again, but at least he's not going down the same rabbit hole Emil is. That'd pretty much be the end again...]
I don't think so... Why would it be? I like you because you're you, not different.
[Or...however you say that when you don't have your head in the clouds.]
( Lisko gurgles softly, feeling more comfortable and not as unsure of what's going on. They tuck themselves into Lalli closely, enjoying the warmth and calmer atmosphere. )
Not me being different -- sort of. Mmm... ( This is hard to talk about because he doesn't really get it, but...something different happened, so what do they move on to? Something is supposed to be different? Or maybe not, what the fuck does he know. ) You know...are we -- should we be...? Together...now?
( So awkwardly choked out...but this is awkward still. As much as Lalli asks why it would be different, things feel redefined, although he still doesn't have the mental faculty to go very deep into what all would be. This is what he does understand, though -- you like someone, they like you, dating happens.
Except holy shit "dating Lalli" is a WILD ass phrase to think about. )
[A good baby, delighting in this warmth just like their dad. For all Emil talked about living the simplified life without thinking complicated thoughts, he sure was being more concerned about the specifics of this. A true role reversal...!]
( He's quite sure death is imminent, based on how fast his brain is moving right now. This is real shit, Lalli!!! He is having to face real shit happening in his real life and he can't just blow it all off!!! )
Oh...! Well, alright... ( If that's how it works, then okay. That was easier and more anticlimactic than he thought it should be. This honestly works out for the better, even if it's just pushing off the inevitable. )
...I don't really know how this is supposed to go. Akira just said to think about it, not what all it really means.
[After all the drama it took to get here, he can live with it just being someone that happens. It should have happened already and saved them some trouble! Which may have been what Akira did, telling Emil this shit, but that's still... Hrmn. He's not a fan. What if it hadn't worked out?]
No. I don't know either. But I don't think I'd like it the way everyone else does things... [Er, wait.] Unless you wanted that. And made it less weird. I guess.
( It's something that he can't even really think of as a concept...honestly, he doesn't really know how everyone else does things anyway. )
No...I'm sure it's different for everyone, regardless. ( He understands the basic flow of relationships, he's not stupid. It's just a lot to think about...even this small, sudden change is hard to digest. ) It's just...
( Shifting to look at Lalli, he gets a better glimpse at this picture. Lalli sitting there holding his hand, Lisko against him and blink-clicking slowly. Wow...this sure is something to have. A lizard child and his pointy boy--
[It's a trip to hear, but that doesn't stop him from reacting before the thought to stop himself even registers. He smiles and looks over, eyes bright, and it's the closest to a carefree happiness that his face has gotten in...forever. It's different from the occasional fondness or amusement. He's just...safe. He feels so safe.
That's embarrassing as heck, though, so he clears his throat and turns his attention back to Lisko.]
Mm. It is. [But, ah... That's not all that helpful, is it...] I don't want things to change just because of that. We're the same people. We're...feeling the same things. We just know, now, and that it's okay. So...
( Oh no...that's cute. Allow Emil to stare just a little bit because it's just occurred to him that he can acknowledge that Lalli is attractive. Inwardly...outwardly if he wants, maybe?? That's weird, oh god that's weird.
Lalli does have a strange attractiveness, though. He's got a really good face in general; nice cheekbones, that pointed, upturned nose isn't bad. It's not at all his first time noticing, but things being recontextualized is a...thing.
He lets go of Lalli's hand, hand going up to hesitantly touch the side of his face that's slightly turned away. He says that not much is different, but Emil being able to say he wants to touch Lalli and have it be meaningful is different. What may remain unchanged, he understands, is Lalli's fluctuating want to be touched in certain ways. Testing this boundary is bold, but maybe worth learning about!! )
[He sees the hand coming, but it still seems so sudden, and he flinches automatically when their skin connects. It's not as violent as it had been in the past, however, and he quickly shifts to lean back into the touch, letting his eyes close and a taut breath release.]
...It's going to be hard, [he murmurs, because he can feel this is a test that was just barely passed.] Things still feel like too much sometimes. Even when you make it better. This is fine, right now.
( The flinch scares him at first, but it's so small...the reciprocation also makes it worth it, even though Emil feels sheepish after having his test run called out. It is going to be hard. Being super handsy isn't on his mind, but he's such a casually and purposefully tactile person. It's one thing to keep it in mind with a friend, but not knowing how often, or even how you can touch the person you're dating when it's something as simple as a hug or soft touch...
Well, Lalli is worth the management.
He retracts his hand with a sign -- Lalli said it was fine, but holding hands isn't a bad thing to have to default back to. It's what he wants, anyway, and Emil's certainly not going to complain. He thinks back, for a second, to Sweden -- to the messy twig boy who he couldn't help but scoff at. He's dating that person now, holding his thin fingers in a clasp with his own. How far they've come. )
I'm glad. That I can make something better for you. ( So much had been going on in his own mind, it hadn't sunk in how flattering and happy that made him feel. It wasn't like he didn't already feel protective of Lalli, but knowing how he can help him feel more secure, all he wants is for that security to stay in place. ) And I'm sorry that I didn't get it before. That was really...romantic.
( how is lalli the one better at grand romantic gestures so far; emil has to even this score... )
[They'll get better at it. They made error after stupid error, but each time, they came back stronger... So with this, Lalli can trust that it's something that will get easier with practice. He trusts Emil, stupidly, with many aspects of his life.]
Ah.
[DON'T REMIND HIM, IT FILLS HIM WITH SHAME. He's gonna go back to looking at Lisko.]
No...! I just didn't think it was...that's my fault, not yours! I mean, I liked it. I just didn't know! If I did know, I'd have thought it was really sweet -- not that I don't think that now, but...you know.
( Help him... Being aware that his cake gift was supposed to be a confession, he's earnestly enamoured by it -- if Lalli did stuff like that again, he might melt. )
Now he has to do a big think. Would he like that... He likes cake. He likes Emil. He likes Emil giving him things, and considering him, and spending time with him...]
( Okay...useful information. He certainly likes cake, too, and he also likes doing things for and with Lalli. )
Okay, then I'll...do that. Eventually -- things like that are better when you don't know when you'll get them. ( BF surprises, how nice. Having a boyfriend has its perks. This is one of the obvious things he knows about dating, and it's worth bringing up. ) I'm pretty sure that's what people who are dating do.
-- Also dates in general, but we don't have to do what people usually do, after all! Even if that might be nice... If you want, anyway.
[This is a lot of blathering...but Lalli pays attention, trying to will his brain into having a better memory. Concentrating on it probably won't do him a ton of favors, since he's doing a lot of thinking about thinking instead of actually listening, but alas... That's just how it is, sometimes.]
( This is something to put thought into...he's not quite sure what to respond with; Emil would need to put a lot of thought into just one (1) date, let alone listing out examples for multiple dates. )
I don't know right now...whatever we want. It's more a general idea. ( He awkwardly shifts to one side, leaning on Lalli a little more. Just take it easy...but it's hard to take it easy when this can mean so much.
What's a way to explain it...hmm. ) I'm not saying things have to be completely different, but they should be a little different, right? In the military, when you get a new title, you get more responsibilities...it's sort of like that, I think.
[He's saying a lot of things, like...preparing for something he knows nothing about. Which was good, because that wasn't a bad idea and they could be inexperienced losers together, but why suggest dates...if you don't know what you would do for a date...and if you're not concerned about what the date activity would be...
Emil is such a mystery. Dating is such a mystery.]
Sure...? I just meant I didn't want things to be weird. We can do some new stuff, but not all the time...and you don't have to act like a different person even though you...got a promotion?
( Look...he was thinking about the best way to explain it to responsible, military-sensibilities Lalli. Except when Lalli parrots it back all it does is make him feel dumb! Wow. )
Yeah...that's what I mean, for the most part. Acting like a different person won't be an issue. ( He's too numbingly earnest 95% of the time, even though that 5% is still left open for ego-inflated showboating...which will likely come up on dates at first, as a warning. Lalli is Lalli no matter what. That's safe enough.
This is all still good to know, though. Taking it all in is kind of exhilerating actually, as can be felt by the smallest tremors in his hand. The surreal idea means so much and yet feels so natural. Exciting! But natural. After a few moments of silence, Emil finally clears his throat, not feeling like it's thickly coated in syrup anymore. )
Thanks -- ( ...and he immediately says something dumb. "Thanks," good lord. ) I mean...I'm happy. Really happy.
[But then why not just say that... Communication is still mystifying, great. Well, he's going to squish down the annoyance he feels at that fact waaaay down into the heels of his boots so he doesn't have to deal with it right now. Only good feelings.
Good feelings intensifying at this goofy idiot saying goofy idiot, but also really sweet things.]
Mmn. [He is, too. He's been wanting this for...longer than he'd care to admit, once he goes back and looks at stuff. This is good.
Gods, he still feels like he needs Lisko to shock him.] ...I will be. I am? But it's not... It's hard to think. I was really scared... I don't know if I know how to be really happy after being so scared, yet. Does that make sense?
...Except when you said those things. That was really good.
( If he had to tell the truth...not really. It doesn't make a lot of sense to him, since most of his emotions come and go freely. If he doesn't like them, he gets rid of them. Scared...hmm, he was a little scared. It wasn't really something he'd thought about much. That feeling of unknown fear and scary decision making thoughts were pushed aside quickly.
Now he understands that fear and it wasn't anything to worry about. There's a relief that is there, replacing the anxiety he wasn't even sure was real until a day or so ago. )
Why were you so scared? ( The implication is obvious, but he can't fully understand it. A part of him feels bad that he somehow helped inspire this fear, even if the 'why' of the matter isn't so clear. ) Not that it's a bad thing. I'm just curious...I want to know.
[...What a ridiculous question. That he has to think about while looking off into a corner of the room to work out. On automatic, he switches to telepathy. Much easier to explain his thought process when he was essentially using thoughts.]
I'm usually scared. I think I told you before that things happen to the people around me. I don't want you to get hurt... But I really don't want me to get hurt. I don't know what I'll do if something happens to you, and... Mmn.
If you knew what I was feeling, you might have decided it was really weird and gross because of who I am. I know I'm weird. People don't hide it. But then I tried to tell you, and I realized that -- that you didn't see me that way? Or you did, but you didn't? And it felt like learning that I was so weird that...no one would ever think I could. I'd keep being alone. Forever.
( Ah...a lot of it is just an expanded upon version of what he knows already. On one hand, he feels bad for prying. These are hard things to feel, and then to have to sit on them. Some of these fears aren't over. On the other, there's a lot of intimacy in knowing these things, and then in trying to assuage them as much as possible )
I know -- you know -- you aren't like a lot of other people. That's...not a bad thing. ( At least, Emil doesn't think that anymore. He squeezes Lalli's hand reassuringly, trying to face him as much as possible even with his head turned away. ) I know what you mean about getting hurt, too, but...it's also pretty normal when you care about someone, right? If something happened to you, it would be -- hard.
( There's not an emotional capacity within him to describe that feeling. Something beyond just a random magic coma; something big, irreversible, fatal. That's devastation he doesn't want to think about. Positives, positives. ) You're not going to be alone, okay?
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It's hard trying to catalog all of this new information that's come to him so quickly. The idea that it's all happening, all confirmed and true, makes him nervous and fidgety...oh Gods, this sure is a thing. How does he explain this when they go home eventually? )
Yeah...yes. ( Emil finally offers that reassurance and gently strokes Lalli's hand with his thumb, keeping the feeling of connection alive. This is completely uncharted territory, something he's only barely ever thought of, Lalli or not. It doesn't feel so bad to admit that he's lost. )
Is everything different now? ...Do you want anything to be different? ( He doesn't even know the answer, but maybe Lalli does. )
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I don't think so... Why would it be? I like you because you're you, not different.
[Or...however you say that when you don't have your head in the clouds.]
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Not me being different -- sort of. Mmm... ( This is hard to talk about because he doesn't really get it, but...something different happened, so what do they move on to? Something is supposed to be different? Or maybe not, what the fuck does he know. ) You know...are we -- should we be...? Together...now?
( So awkwardly choked out...but this is awkward still. As much as Lalli asks why it would be different, things feel redefined, although he still doesn't have the mental faculty to go very deep into what all would be. This is what he does understand, though -- you like someone, they like you, dating happens.
Except holy shit "dating Lalli" is a WILD ass phrase to think about. )
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Oh. I thought we already were? Since...
[They said they liked each other, so ??????]
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Oh...! Well, alright... ( If that's how it works, then okay. That was easier and more anticlimactic than he thought it should be. This honestly works out for the better, even if it's just pushing off the inevitable. )
...I don't really know how this is supposed to go. Akira just said to think about it, not what all it really means.
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No. I don't know either. But I don't think I'd like it the way everyone else does things... [Er, wait.] Unless you wanted that. And made it less weird. I guess.
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No...I'm sure it's different for everyone, regardless. ( He understands the basic flow of relationships, he's not stupid. It's just a lot to think about...even this small, sudden change is hard to digest. ) It's just...
( Shifting to look at Lalli, he gets a better glimpse at this picture. Lalli sitting there holding his hand, Lisko against him and blink-clicking slowly. Wow...this sure is something to have. A lizard child and his pointy boy--
...Holy shit, that's right. ) You're my boyfriend now. That's...so strange.
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That's embarrassing as heck, though, so he clears his throat and turns his attention back to Lisko.]
Mm. It is. [But, ah... That's not all that helpful, is it...] I don't want things to change just because of that. We're the same people. We're...feeling the same things. We just know, now, and that it's okay. So...
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Lalli does have a strange attractiveness, though. He's got a really good face in general; nice cheekbones, that pointed, upturned nose isn't bad. It's not at all his first time noticing, but things being recontextualized is a...thing.
He lets go of Lalli's hand, hand going up to hesitantly touch the side of his face that's slightly turned away. He says that not much is different, but Emil being able to say he wants to touch Lalli and have it be meaningful is different. What may remain unchanged, he understands, is Lalli's fluctuating want to be touched in certain ways. Testing this boundary is bold, but maybe worth learning about!! )
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...It's going to be hard, [he murmurs, because he can feel this is a test that was just barely passed.] Things still feel like too much sometimes. Even when you make it better. This is fine, right now.
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Well, Lalli is worth the management.
He retracts his hand with a sign -- Lalli said it was fine, but holding hands isn't a bad thing to have to default back to. It's what he wants, anyway, and Emil's certainly not going to complain. He thinks back, for a second, to Sweden -- to the messy twig boy who he couldn't help but scoff at. He's dating that person now, holding his thin fingers in a clasp with his own. How far they've come. )
I'm glad. That I can make something better for you. ( So much had been going on in his own mind, it hadn't sunk in how flattering and happy that made him feel. It wasn't like he didn't already feel protective of Lalli, but knowing how he can help him feel more secure, all he wants is for that security to stay in place. ) And I'm sorry that I didn't get it before. That was really...romantic.
( how is lalli the one better at grand romantic gestures so far; emil has to even this score... )
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Ah.
[DON'T REMIND HIM, IT FILLS HIM WITH SHAME. He's gonna go back to looking at Lisko.]
...It was stupid.
[It's a sore spot.]
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No...! I just didn't think it was...that's my fault, not yours! I mean, I liked it. I just didn't know! If I did know, I'd have thought it was really sweet -- not that I don't think that now, but...you know.
( Help him... Being aware that his cake gift was supposed to be a confession, he's earnestly enamoured by it -- if Lalli did stuff like that again, he might melt. )
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Mrrrmn... It's still embarrassing.
[He's bad at being sweet if he has to think about it more than not at all!!]
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I guess I might feel like that if I did it but...I liked it, so that's good, right?
...If I did something like that for you, would you like it? ( Since the more he thinks about it, the worse and more embarrassed he feels. )
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Now he has to do a big think. Would he like that... He likes cake. He likes Emil. He likes Emil giving him things, and considering him, and spending time with him...]
Yes... I think so.
[He's taking this Very Seriously.]
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Okay, then I'll...do that. Eventually -- things like that are better when you don't know when you'll get them. ( BF surprises, how nice. Having a boyfriend has its perks. This is one of the obvious things he knows about dating, and it's worth bringing up. ) I'm pretty sure that's what people who are dating do.
-- Also dates in general, but we don't have to do what people usually do, after all! Even if that might be nice... If you want, anyway.
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What kinds of things would we do for dates?
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I don't know right now...whatever we want. It's more a general idea. ( He awkwardly shifts to one side, leaning on Lalli a little more. Just take it easy...but it's hard to take it easy when this can mean so much.
What's a way to explain it...hmm. ) I'm not saying things have to be completely different, but they should be a little different, right? In the military, when you get a new title, you get more responsibilities...it's sort of like that, I think.
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Emil is such a mystery. Dating is such a mystery.]
Sure...? I just meant I didn't want things to be weird. We can do some new stuff, but not all the time...and you don't have to act like a different person even though you...got a promotion?
[relationship promotion???]
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Yeah...that's what I mean, for the most part. Acting like a different person won't be an issue. ( He's too numbingly earnest 95% of the time, even though that 5% is still left open for ego-inflated showboating...which will likely come up on dates at first, as a warning. Lalli is Lalli no matter what. That's safe enough.
This is all still good to know, though. Taking it all in is kind of exhilerating actually, as can be felt by the smallest tremors in his hand. The surreal idea means so much and yet feels so natural. Exciting! But natural. After a few moments of silence, Emil finally clears his throat, not feeling like it's thickly coated in syrup anymore. )
Thanks -- ( ...and he immediately says something dumb. "Thanks," good lord. ) I mean...I'm happy. Really happy.
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Good feelings intensifying at this goofy idiot saying goofy idiot, but also really sweet things.]
Mmn. [He is, too. He's been wanting this for...longer than he'd care to admit, once he goes back and looks at stuff. This is good.
Gods, he still feels like he needs Lisko to shock him.] ...I will be. I am? But it's not... It's hard to think. I was really scared... I don't know if I know how to be really happy after being so scared, yet. Does that make sense?
...Except when you said those things. That was really good.
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Now he understands that fear and it wasn't anything to worry about. There's a relief that is there, replacing the anxiety he wasn't even sure was real until a day or so ago. )
Why were you so scared? ( The implication is obvious, but he can't fully understand it. A part of him feels bad that he somehow helped inspire this fear, even if the 'why' of the matter isn't so clear. ) Not that it's a bad thing. I'm just curious...I want to know.
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I'm usually scared. I think I told you before that things happen to the people around me. I don't want you to get hurt... But I really don't want me to get hurt. I don't know what I'll do if something happens to you, and... Mmn.
If you knew what I was feeling, you might have decided it was really weird and gross because of who I am. I know I'm weird. People don't hide it. But then I tried to tell you, and I realized that -- that you didn't see me that way? Or you did, but you didn't? And it felt like learning that I was so weird that...no one would ever think I could. I'd keep being alone. Forever.
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I know -- you know -- you aren't like a lot of other people. That's...not a bad thing. ( At least, Emil doesn't think that anymore. He squeezes Lalli's hand reassuringly, trying to face him as much as possible even with his head turned away. ) I know what you mean about getting hurt, too, but...it's also pretty normal when you care about someone, right? If something happened to you, it would be -- hard.
( There's not an emotional capacity within him to describe that feeling. Something beyond just a random magic coma; something big, irreversible, fatal. That's devastation he doesn't want to think about. Positives, positives. ) You're not going to be alone, okay?
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