I think like before, it's not a shouldn't or won't thing...it just happens somehow? ( That's how it felt to him, anyway. It's still had really grasping onto the idea that what he had felt for some time was a romantic inkling, but...that's just a fact at this point. A fact that he still isn't sure what to do with, especially knowing it seems mutual. What...now? )
I mean...I don't think it's a bad feeling, is it? There's nothing wrong with feeling good about someone. I can't see how that would be wrong.
( But this is speaking generally, not to their specific circumstance. ) I don't feel bad...I just didn't think it would be okay since you weren't interested. I think.
( Also because he's dumb, but that's another thing entirely. )
[Lalli can think of a million ways it could go wrong -- and that's exactly why he'd felt like he should have tried harder to avoid this. If he cared too much, he could get sloppy. Look what had happened on the expedition! And that was just when he wanted to be friends...
Bigger feelings, bigger consequences. Bigger chance he was going to screw it all up for everyone and people would get hurt.]
Oh...
[...wait.]
But I am?
[so is it super-double-mega okay??? gods he's confused.]
[Honestly, Lalli is lost, but after another moment of staring, he reaches up and pinches hard at his cheek to see if he's finally somehow slipped away into the sweet oblivion of unconsciousness and this is all a dream. When he remains exactly where he is and everything else is the same, he hollowly walks over to join Emil on the bed, picks up the lizard, and contemplates asking the lizard the zap the shit outta him.
( That's a very good question. Hello Lisko, confused little lizard. They blink and look around, softly murmuring what? what? to themselves. Also a good question. Not so into the whole zap thing, Emil pokes at one of their claws to help reassure them...he'd also like some of that himself, right now.
His mind is currently a mess, and he can think of a lot of things he would impulsively like to do. Scream. Just stare into oblivion. Hug Lalli. All of those are varying degrees of "don't do that," so...? It's also not that he sees Lalli as less of a person because of his supposed quirks and nuances, but...his headspace is probably best considered and sussed out first. Maybe this is just another type of, uh, "sensory overload" considering how dulled he is right now. )
What do you want to do? ( You're the more advanced gay, here. The unbelievable idea that Lalli likes him is still rattling his brain a little. Knowing what Lalli wants might ground him in reality a bit more; this is all just so surreal still, shit. )
[It's overwhelming and incomprehensible. The only thing he knows won't fail him now is...shutting down.]
Sleep.
[He'd really love to sleep. He watches the space across from him as he rubs circles with his thumbs against Lisko's skin, mentally mapping each bump and groove so he can take comfort in the pattern. Patterns made sense.]
( The request isn't unreasonable in the slightest. Emil seems more than a bit overeager to grab one of Lalli's hands, marveling at it for a moment before softly squeezing it.
Wow. Wow... )
This feels...weird. ( Not a bad weird, at all. It was just strange to think they had held hands before, but not...like this. With a more definitive meaning. If anything, it was nice to be able to understand the tightness and energy he felt in his body a bit more, now felt with even more intensity since permission has been granted. )
[It's definitely weird, and Lalli feels a tension shoot through him like he really did get shocked, but...it's Emil. Emil, being eager and awkward and recognizing how odd all of this is.
That's safe. Lalli relaxes again, studying the differences between their hands -- it didn't feel like there should be much, with just hands, but when they're right against each other like that, it's easy to see and feel. And it feels warm...
A smile finally curls into place as he curls his free arm around Lisko, pulls them close, and leans against Emil's shoulder.]
( It...is real. It doesn't feel real, though. Nothing about this feels normal or calm or...a bunch of other things. It's sinking in slowly but surely.
It's hard trying to catalog all of this new information that's come to him so quickly. The idea that it's all happening, all confirmed and true, makes him nervous and fidgety...oh Gods, this sure is a thing. How does he explain this when they go home eventually? )
Yeah...yes. ( Emil finally offers that reassurance and gently strokes Lalli's hand with his thumb, keeping the feeling of connection alive. This is completely uncharted territory, something he's only barely ever thought of, Lalli or not. It doesn't feel so bad to admit that he's lost. )
Is everything different now? ...Do you want anything to be different? ( He doesn't even know the answer, but maybe Lalli does. )
[It's real, and he has confirmation on it. That sends Lalli reeling again, but at least he's not going down the same rabbit hole Emil is. That'd pretty much be the end again...]
I don't think so... Why would it be? I like you because you're you, not different.
[Or...however you say that when you don't have your head in the clouds.]
( Lisko gurgles softly, feeling more comfortable and not as unsure of what's going on. They tuck themselves into Lalli closely, enjoying the warmth and calmer atmosphere. )
Not me being different -- sort of. Mmm... ( This is hard to talk about because he doesn't really get it, but...something different happened, so what do they move on to? Something is supposed to be different? Or maybe not, what the fuck does he know. ) You know...are we -- should we be...? Together...now?
( So awkwardly choked out...but this is awkward still. As much as Lalli asks why it would be different, things feel redefined, although he still doesn't have the mental faculty to go very deep into what all would be. This is what he does understand, though -- you like someone, they like you, dating happens.
Except holy shit "dating Lalli" is a WILD ass phrase to think about. )
[A good baby, delighting in this warmth just like their dad. For all Emil talked about living the simplified life without thinking complicated thoughts, he sure was being more concerned about the specifics of this. A true role reversal...!]
( He's quite sure death is imminent, based on how fast his brain is moving right now. This is real shit, Lalli!!! He is having to face real shit happening in his real life and he can't just blow it all off!!! )
Oh...! Well, alright... ( If that's how it works, then okay. That was easier and more anticlimactic than he thought it should be. This honestly works out for the better, even if it's just pushing off the inevitable. )
...I don't really know how this is supposed to go. Akira just said to think about it, not what all it really means.
[After all the drama it took to get here, he can live with it just being someone that happens. It should have happened already and saved them some trouble! Which may have been what Akira did, telling Emil this shit, but that's still... Hrmn. He's not a fan. What if it hadn't worked out?]
No. I don't know either. But I don't think I'd like it the way everyone else does things... [Er, wait.] Unless you wanted that. And made it less weird. I guess.
( It's something that he can't even really think of as a concept...honestly, he doesn't really know how everyone else does things anyway. )
No...I'm sure it's different for everyone, regardless. ( He understands the basic flow of relationships, he's not stupid. It's just a lot to think about...even this small, sudden change is hard to digest. ) It's just...
( Shifting to look at Lalli, he gets a better glimpse at this picture. Lalli sitting there holding his hand, Lisko against him and blink-clicking slowly. Wow...this sure is something to have. A lizard child and his pointy boy--
[It's a trip to hear, but that doesn't stop him from reacting before the thought to stop himself even registers. He smiles and looks over, eyes bright, and it's the closest to a carefree happiness that his face has gotten in...forever. It's different from the occasional fondness or amusement. He's just...safe. He feels so safe.
That's embarrassing as heck, though, so he clears his throat and turns his attention back to Lisko.]
Mm. It is. [But, ah... That's not all that helpful, is it...] I don't want things to change just because of that. We're the same people. We're...feeling the same things. We just know, now, and that it's okay. So...
( Oh no...that's cute. Allow Emil to stare just a little bit because it's just occurred to him that he can acknowledge that Lalli is attractive. Inwardly...outwardly if he wants, maybe?? That's weird, oh god that's weird.
Lalli does have a strange attractiveness, though. He's got a really good face in general; nice cheekbones, that pointed, upturned nose isn't bad. It's not at all his first time noticing, but things being recontextualized is a...thing.
He lets go of Lalli's hand, hand going up to hesitantly touch the side of his face that's slightly turned away. He says that not much is different, but Emil being able to say he wants to touch Lalli and have it be meaningful is different. What may remain unchanged, he understands, is Lalli's fluctuating want to be touched in certain ways. Testing this boundary is bold, but maybe worth learning about!! )
[He sees the hand coming, but it still seems so sudden, and he flinches automatically when their skin connects. It's not as violent as it had been in the past, however, and he quickly shifts to lean back into the touch, letting his eyes close and a taut breath release.]
...It's going to be hard, [he murmurs, because he can feel this is a test that was just barely passed.] Things still feel like too much sometimes. Even when you make it better. This is fine, right now.
( The flinch scares him at first, but it's so small...the reciprocation also makes it worth it, even though Emil feels sheepish after having his test run called out. It is going to be hard. Being super handsy isn't on his mind, but he's such a casually and purposefully tactile person. It's one thing to keep it in mind with a friend, but not knowing how often, or even how you can touch the person you're dating when it's something as simple as a hug or soft touch...
Well, Lalli is worth the management.
He retracts his hand with a sign -- Lalli said it was fine, but holding hands isn't a bad thing to have to default back to. It's what he wants, anyway, and Emil's certainly not going to complain. He thinks back, for a second, to Sweden -- to the messy twig boy who he couldn't help but scoff at. He's dating that person now, holding his thin fingers in a clasp with his own. How far they've come. )
I'm glad. That I can make something better for you. ( So much had been going on in his own mind, it hadn't sunk in how flattering and happy that made him feel. It wasn't like he didn't already feel protective of Lalli, but knowing how he can help him feel more secure, all he wants is for that security to stay in place. ) And I'm sorry that I didn't get it before. That was really...romantic.
( how is lalli the one better at grand romantic gestures so far; emil has to even this score... )
[They'll get better at it. They made error after stupid error, but each time, they came back stronger... So with this, Lalli can trust that it's something that will get easier with practice. He trusts Emil, stupidly, with many aspects of his life.]
Ah.
[DON'T REMIND HIM, IT FILLS HIM WITH SHAME. He's gonna go back to looking at Lisko.]
No...! I just didn't think it was...that's my fault, not yours! I mean, I liked it. I just didn't know! If I did know, I'd have thought it was really sweet -- not that I don't think that now, but...you know.
( Help him... Being aware that his cake gift was supposed to be a confession, he's earnestly enamoured by it -- if Lalli did stuff like that again, he might melt. )
Now he has to do a big think. Would he like that... He likes cake. He likes Emil. He likes Emil giving him things, and considering him, and spending time with him...]
( Okay...useful information. He certainly likes cake, too, and he also likes doing things for and with Lalli. )
Okay, then I'll...do that. Eventually -- things like that are better when you don't know when you'll get them. ( BF surprises, how nice. Having a boyfriend has its perks. This is one of the obvious things he knows about dating, and it's worth bringing up. ) I'm pretty sure that's what people who are dating do.
-- Also dates in general, but we don't have to do what people usually do, after all! Even if that might be nice... If you want, anyway.
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I mean...I don't think it's a bad feeling, is it? There's nothing wrong with feeling good about someone. I can't see how that would be wrong.
( But this is speaking generally, not to their specific circumstance. ) I don't feel bad...I just didn't think it would be okay since you weren't interested. I think.
( Also because he's dumb, but that's another thing entirely. )
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Bigger feelings, bigger consequences. Bigger chance he was going to screw it all up for everyone and people would get hurt.]
Oh...
[...wait.]
But I am?
[so is it super-double-mega okay??? gods he's confused.]
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So...!? ( All he can do is gesture in front of himself. He likes him, vice versa...he didn't think this far ahead. ) I don't know what we do now.
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None of this made any sense.]
...I don't either. What do you want to do?
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His mind is currently a mess, and he can think of a lot of things he would impulsively like to do. Scream. Just stare into oblivion. Hug Lalli. All of those are varying degrees of "don't do that," so...? It's also not that he sees Lalli as less of a person because of his supposed quirks and nuances, but...his headspace is probably best considered and sussed out first. Maybe this is just another type of, uh, "sensory overload" considering how dulled he is right now. )
What do you want to do? ( You're the more advanced gay, here. The unbelievable idea that Lalli likes him is still rattling his brain a little. Knowing what Lalli wants might ground him in reality a bit more; this is all just so surreal still, shit. )
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Sleep.
[He'd really love to sleep. He watches the space across from him as he rubs circles with his thumbs against Lisko's skin, mentally mapping each bump and groove so he can take comfort in the pattern. Patterns made sense.]
...Hold your hand, maybe.
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Wow. Wow... )
This feels...weird. ( Not a bad weird, at all. It was just strange to think they had held hands before, but not...like this. With a more definitive meaning. If anything, it was nice to be able to understand the tightness and energy he felt in his body a bit more, now felt with even more intensity since permission has been granted. )
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That's safe. Lalli relaxes again, studying the differences between their hands -- it didn't feel like there should be much, with just hands, but when they're right against each other like that, it's easy to see and feel. And it feels warm...
A smile finally curls into place as he curls his free arm around Lisko, pulls them close, and leans against Emil's shoulder.]
But it's real, right? I have you...
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It's hard trying to catalog all of this new information that's come to him so quickly. The idea that it's all happening, all confirmed and true, makes him nervous and fidgety...oh Gods, this sure is a thing. How does he explain this when they go home eventually? )
Yeah...yes. ( Emil finally offers that reassurance and gently strokes Lalli's hand with his thumb, keeping the feeling of connection alive. This is completely uncharted territory, something he's only barely ever thought of, Lalli or not. It doesn't feel so bad to admit that he's lost. )
Is everything different now? ...Do you want anything to be different? ( He doesn't even know the answer, but maybe Lalli does. )
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I don't think so... Why would it be? I like you because you're you, not different.
[Or...however you say that when you don't have your head in the clouds.]
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Not me being different -- sort of. Mmm... ( This is hard to talk about because he doesn't really get it, but...something different happened, so what do they move on to? Something is supposed to be different? Or maybe not, what the fuck does he know. ) You know...are we -- should we be...? Together...now?
( So awkwardly choked out...but this is awkward still. As much as Lalli asks why it would be different, things feel redefined, although he still doesn't have the mental faculty to go very deep into what all would be. This is what he does understand, though -- you like someone, they like you, dating happens.
Except holy shit "dating Lalli" is a WILD ass phrase to think about. )
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Oh. I thought we already were? Since...
[They said they liked each other, so ??????]
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Oh...! Well, alright... ( If that's how it works, then okay. That was easier and more anticlimactic than he thought it should be. This honestly works out for the better, even if it's just pushing off the inevitable. )
...I don't really know how this is supposed to go. Akira just said to think about it, not what all it really means.
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No. I don't know either. But I don't think I'd like it the way everyone else does things... [Er, wait.] Unless you wanted that. And made it less weird. I guess.
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No...I'm sure it's different for everyone, regardless. ( He understands the basic flow of relationships, he's not stupid. It's just a lot to think about...even this small, sudden change is hard to digest. ) It's just...
( Shifting to look at Lalli, he gets a better glimpse at this picture. Lalli sitting there holding his hand, Lisko against him and blink-clicking slowly. Wow...this sure is something to have. A lizard child and his pointy boy--
...Holy shit, that's right. ) You're my boyfriend now. That's...so strange.
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That's embarrassing as heck, though, so he clears his throat and turns his attention back to Lisko.]
Mm. It is. [But, ah... That's not all that helpful, is it...] I don't want things to change just because of that. We're the same people. We're...feeling the same things. We just know, now, and that it's okay. So...
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Lalli does have a strange attractiveness, though. He's got a really good face in general; nice cheekbones, that pointed, upturned nose isn't bad. It's not at all his first time noticing, but things being recontextualized is a...thing.
He lets go of Lalli's hand, hand going up to hesitantly touch the side of his face that's slightly turned away. He says that not much is different, but Emil being able to say he wants to touch Lalli and have it be meaningful is different. What may remain unchanged, he understands, is Lalli's fluctuating want to be touched in certain ways. Testing this boundary is bold, but maybe worth learning about!! )
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...It's going to be hard, [he murmurs, because he can feel this is a test that was just barely passed.] Things still feel like too much sometimes. Even when you make it better. This is fine, right now.
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Well, Lalli is worth the management.
He retracts his hand with a sign -- Lalli said it was fine, but holding hands isn't a bad thing to have to default back to. It's what he wants, anyway, and Emil's certainly not going to complain. He thinks back, for a second, to Sweden -- to the messy twig boy who he couldn't help but scoff at. He's dating that person now, holding his thin fingers in a clasp with his own. How far they've come. )
I'm glad. That I can make something better for you. ( So much had been going on in his own mind, it hadn't sunk in how flattering and happy that made him feel. It wasn't like he didn't already feel protective of Lalli, but knowing how he can help him feel more secure, all he wants is for that security to stay in place. ) And I'm sorry that I didn't get it before. That was really...romantic.
( how is lalli the one better at grand romantic gestures so far; emil has to even this score... )
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Ah.
[DON'T REMIND HIM, IT FILLS HIM WITH SHAME. He's gonna go back to looking at Lisko.]
...It was stupid.
[It's a sore spot.]
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No...! I just didn't think it was...that's my fault, not yours! I mean, I liked it. I just didn't know! If I did know, I'd have thought it was really sweet -- not that I don't think that now, but...you know.
( Help him... Being aware that his cake gift was supposed to be a confession, he's earnestly enamoured by it -- if Lalli did stuff like that again, he might melt. )
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Mrrrmn... It's still embarrassing.
[He's bad at being sweet if he has to think about it more than not at all!!]
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I guess I might feel like that if I did it but...I liked it, so that's good, right?
...If I did something like that for you, would you like it? ( Since the more he thinks about it, the worse and more embarrassed he feels. )
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Now he has to do a big think. Would he like that... He likes cake. He likes Emil. He likes Emil giving him things, and considering him, and spending time with him...]
Yes... I think so.
[He's taking this Very Seriously.]
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Okay, then I'll...do that. Eventually -- things like that are better when you don't know when you'll get them. ( BF surprises, how nice. Having a boyfriend has its perks. This is one of the obvious things he knows about dating, and it's worth bringing up. ) I'm pretty sure that's what people who are dating do.
-- Also dates in general, but we don't have to do what people usually do, after all! Even if that might be nice... If you want, anyway.
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