[Finally, a bit of relief from this anxious hell. It still takes him a while to gather up the courage. Sure, it was only putting it into words that was impossible, but finding the right ones to think was pretty difficult, too. Throwing himself straight into something he knows is a mistake...]
I thought... I thought if I -- no. Um.
Sorry. I thought that since you made me feel safe and happy, and I -- liked a lot of things with you... I felt really special. I felt like maybe it was something more than being friends. But I was wrong.
( WIth Lalli's voice getting progressively more and more quiet as he goes on, Emil listens intently. This is...a lot. Most of it he already knows, whether consciously or subconsciously, but they're still very weighty words.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, if he says what he wants to with telepathy, he knows it'll come out in one big glob of mush. He's not so used to having taut, sharp emotions that make it easier to control what he feels and how much of it seeps out. If he wants to make sure what he says is pointed, he has to do it with words. )
Lalli... I. You. ( Well, he's speaking his feelings, but it's not like he's good at that either. Mmmmm how do you talk when it feels like someone poured syrup down your throat. ) When you talked about things like that before, I didn't think you liked them or ever wanted to...I don't know. Be like that with anyone. Don't you think it's stupid and gross?
( He's been sitting on Lalli's bed this whole time, his hands moving from his lap to gripping the mattress tightly. He can do this, just keep going. Being a mess for two days can't be totally for naught. ) I like you a lot -- I think I do! I don't know a lot about it, but...do you like me?
[Now that the pressure isn't on him to say something -- he just has to listen. He just has to make it through Emil telling him what he already knows: that it's impossible, and he was an idiot to ever think something like -- wait. Actually tuning in, he's still being questioned, rather than berated.
...What does he say to this?]
I... I-it is. It's really stupid and gross, and I don't understand why, but you... [Even if he's not speaking, something feels caught in his throat.
"I like you a lot -- I think I do!" What did that mean?] I don't know why you make it okay. You just make a lot of things okay. So...I know I'm not...like everyone else. But I can still feel like this. I guess. I tried to have a choice...
( He didn't explicitly say it, but...that means yes. He talked about that and said he...was different. He, Emil, made it different. Heck...heck!!
Everything feels like a disaster, but he's still smiling stupidly now. Ice melts in his guy -- something that had been making him feel so taut lately is gone.
Get it together; he has to regain his composure. Insensitive, much? ) Feeling that way isn't a bad thing! It's not stupid or gross...it's just a way to feel.
Lalli, you mean a lot to me...I don't even really get how much, but it's just the truth. It's... different. From my friends, my family. You're different, but it's not a bad thing. I like you. That's it.
( Despite that whole 'keep it together' thing, he's decidedly not. His tongue is going so fast and he barely understands what he's saying as he says it, but he suddenly feels more excited than he's been in a long while. 'That's it's -- it's really so simple to say it. )
[The more he speaks, the more Lalli can't stop himself from looking up and just...staring. What was he hearing? He couldn't possibly be hearing what he thinks. It must be something about what a foolish mistake Lalli was making, trying to act like a normal person.
But he watches, and that doesn't look like those words match the sounds he's hearing or the shape of Emil's lips.]
W... What...?
[No. That didn't make any sense. He didn't see Lalli that way -- he even said so! He...
He says Lalli means a lot to him. Even now, he likes him. That assurance, as insane as it was, helps him get his voice out.]
( The befuddled look on Lalli's face causes Emil to blink in confusion. What the hell is happening anymore... )
Why would I be mad...? ( Even when Lalli wouldn't just play it straight (lol) with him and left, it was a mutually born frustration that he felt, not anger. ) Are you mad?
( Lisko reaches their claws out from the bed and shrugs with them. Who is this mad person??? )
[He doesn't know what's happening, either. Something unexpected, for sure, which puts him on edge.]
No...
[Emil wasn't being an oblivious idiot and tearing his heart in half with every word, so he's not nearly as frustrated. Mostly just scared and confused... Not a huge fan of that, either, but even if it sucked, Emil was being...weirdly...accepting?]
Because I'm... [He's really stumped on this one. He does feel certain that Emil should be mad, but with all the times people have been mad at him before without a reason he understood, it was hard to articulate why.] I don't know. I shouldn't...feel that way, though. Right?
[The meaning of it all still hasn't really sunk in. He had to be misinterpreting something, after all.]
I think like before, it's not a shouldn't or won't thing...it just happens somehow? ( That's how it felt to him, anyway. It's still had really grasping onto the idea that what he had felt for some time was a romantic inkling, but...that's just a fact at this point. A fact that he still isn't sure what to do with, especially knowing it seems mutual. What...now? )
I mean...I don't think it's a bad feeling, is it? There's nothing wrong with feeling good about someone. I can't see how that would be wrong.
( But this is speaking generally, not to their specific circumstance. ) I don't feel bad...I just didn't think it would be okay since you weren't interested. I think.
( Also because he's dumb, but that's another thing entirely. )
[Lalli can think of a million ways it could go wrong -- and that's exactly why he'd felt like he should have tried harder to avoid this. If he cared too much, he could get sloppy. Look what had happened on the expedition! And that was just when he wanted to be friends...
Bigger feelings, bigger consequences. Bigger chance he was going to screw it all up for everyone and people would get hurt.]
Oh...
[...wait.]
But I am?
[so is it super-double-mega okay??? gods he's confused.]
[Honestly, Lalli is lost, but after another moment of staring, he reaches up and pinches hard at his cheek to see if he's finally somehow slipped away into the sweet oblivion of unconsciousness and this is all a dream. When he remains exactly where he is and everything else is the same, he hollowly walks over to join Emil on the bed, picks up the lizard, and contemplates asking the lizard the zap the shit outta him.
( That's a very good question. Hello Lisko, confused little lizard. They blink and look around, softly murmuring what? what? to themselves. Also a good question. Not so into the whole zap thing, Emil pokes at one of their claws to help reassure them...he'd also like some of that himself, right now.
His mind is currently a mess, and he can think of a lot of things he would impulsively like to do. Scream. Just stare into oblivion. Hug Lalli. All of those are varying degrees of "don't do that," so...? It's also not that he sees Lalli as less of a person because of his supposed quirks and nuances, but...his headspace is probably best considered and sussed out first. Maybe this is just another type of, uh, "sensory overload" considering how dulled he is right now. )
What do you want to do? ( You're the more advanced gay, here. The unbelievable idea that Lalli likes him is still rattling his brain a little. Knowing what Lalli wants might ground him in reality a bit more; this is all just so surreal still, shit. )
[It's overwhelming and incomprehensible. The only thing he knows won't fail him now is...shutting down.]
Sleep.
[He'd really love to sleep. He watches the space across from him as he rubs circles with his thumbs against Lisko's skin, mentally mapping each bump and groove so he can take comfort in the pattern. Patterns made sense.]
( The request isn't unreasonable in the slightest. Emil seems more than a bit overeager to grab one of Lalli's hands, marveling at it for a moment before softly squeezing it.
Wow. Wow... )
This feels...weird. ( Not a bad weird, at all. It was just strange to think they had held hands before, but not...like this. With a more definitive meaning. If anything, it was nice to be able to understand the tightness and energy he felt in his body a bit more, now felt with even more intensity since permission has been granted. )
[It's definitely weird, and Lalli feels a tension shoot through him like he really did get shocked, but...it's Emil. Emil, being eager and awkward and recognizing how odd all of this is.
That's safe. Lalli relaxes again, studying the differences between their hands -- it didn't feel like there should be much, with just hands, but when they're right against each other like that, it's easy to see and feel. And it feels warm...
A smile finally curls into place as he curls his free arm around Lisko, pulls them close, and leans against Emil's shoulder.]
( It...is real. It doesn't feel real, though. Nothing about this feels normal or calm or...a bunch of other things. It's sinking in slowly but surely.
It's hard trying to catalog all of this new information that's come to him so quickly. The idea that it's all happening, all confirmed and true, makes him nervous and fidgety...oh Gods, this sure is a thing. How does he explain this when they go home eventually? )
Yeah...yes. ( Emil finally offers that reassurance and gently strokes Lalli's hand with his thumb, keeping the feeling of connection alive. This is completely uncharted territory, something he's only barely ever thought of, Lalli or not. It doesn't feel so bad to admit that he's lost. )
Is everything different now? ...Do you want anything to be different? ( He doesn't even know the answer, but maybe Lalli does. )
[It's real, and he has confirmation on it. That sends Lalli reeling again, but at least he's not going down the same rabbit hole Emil is. That'd pretty much be the end again...]
I don't think so... Why would it be? I like you because you're you, not different.
[Or...however you say that when you don't have your head in the clouds.]
( Lisko gurgles softly, feeling more comfortable and not as unsure of what's going on. They tuck themselves into Lalli closely, enjoying the warmth and calmer atmosphere. )
Not me being different -- sort of. Mmm... ( This is hard to talk about because he doesn't really get it, but...something different happened, so what do they move on to? Something is supposed to be different? Or maybe not, what the fuck does he know. ) You know...are we -- should we be...? Together...now?
( So awkwardly choked out...but this is awkward still. As much as Lalli asks why it would be different, things feel redefined, although he still doesn't have the mental faculty to go very deep into what all would be. This is what he does understand, though -- you like someone, they like you, dating happens.
Except holy shit "dating Lalli" is a WILD ass phrase to think about. )
[A good baby, delighting in this warmth just like their dad. For all Emil talked about living the simplified life without thinking complicated thoughts, he sure was being more concerned about the specifics of this. A true role reversal...!]
( He's quite sure death is imminent, based on how fast his brain is moving right now. This is real shit, Lalli!!! He is having to face real shit happening in his real life and he can't just blow it all off!!! )
Oh...! Well, alright... ( If that's how it works, then okay. That was easier and more anticlimactic than he thought it should be. This honestly works out for the better, even if it's just pushing off the inevitable. )
...I don't really know how this is supposed to go. Akira just said to think about it, not what all it really means.
[After all the drama it took to get here, he can live with it just being someone that happens. It should have happened already and saved them some trouble! Which may have been what Akira did, telling Emil this shit, but that's still... Hrmn. He's not a fan. What if it hadn't worked out?]
No. I don't know either. But I don't think I'd like it the way everyone else does things... [Er, wait.] Unless you wanted that. And made it less weird. I guess.
( It's something that he can't even really think of as a concept...honestly, he doesn't really know how everyone else does things anyway. )
No...I'm sure it's different for everyone, regardless. ( He understands the basic flow of relationships, he's not stupid. It's just a lot to think about...even this small, sudden change is hard to digest. ) It's just...
( Shifting to look at Lalli, he gets a better glimpse at this picture. Lalli sitting there holding his hand, Lisko against him and blink-clicking slowly. Wow...this sure is something to have. A lizard child and his pointy boy--
[It's a trip to hear, but that doesn't stop him from reacting before the thought to stop himself even registers. He smiles and looks over, eyes bright, and it's the closest to a carefree happiness that his face has gotten in...forever. It's different from the occasional fondness or amusement. He's just...safe. He feels so safe.
That's embarrassing as heck, though, so he clears his throat and turns his attention back to Lisko.]
Mm. It is. [But, ah... That's not all that helpful, is it...] I don't want things to change just because of that. We're the same people. We're...feeling the same things. We just know, now, and that it's okay. So...
( Oh no...that's cute. Allow Emil to stare just a little bit because it's just occurred to him that he can acknowledge that Lalli is attractive. Inwardly...outwardly if he wants, maybe?? That's weird, oh god that's weird.
Lalli does have a strange attractiveness, though. He's got a really good face in general; nice cheekbones, that pointed, upturned nose isn't bad. It's not at all his first time noticing, but things being recontextualized is a...thing.
He lets go of Lalli's hand, hand going up to hesitantly touch the side of his face that's slightly turned away. He says that not much is different, but Emil being able to say he wants to touch Lalli and have it be meaningful is different. What may remain unchanged, he understands, is Lalli's fluctuating want to be touched in certain ways. Testing this boundary is bold, but maybe worth learning about!! )
[He sees the hand coming, but it still seems so sudden, and he flinches automatically when their skin connects. It's not as violent as it had been in the past, however, and he quickly shifts to lean back into the touch, letting his eyes close and a taut breath release.]
...It's going to be hard, [he murmurs, because he can feel this is a test that was just barely passed.] Things still feel like too much sometimes. Even when you make it better. This is fine, right now.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I thought... I thought if I -- no. Um.
Sorry. I thought that since you made me feel safe and happy, and I -- liked a lot of things with you... I felt really special. I felt like maybe it was something more than being friends. But I was wrong.
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On the opposite end of the spectrum, if he says what he wants to with telepathy, he knows it'll come out in one big glob of mush. He's not so used to having taut, sharp emotions that make it easier to control what he feels and how much of it seeps out. If he wants to make sure what he says is pointed, he has to do it with words. )
Lalli... I. You. ( Well, he's speaking his feelings, but it's not like he's good at that either. Mmmmm how do you talk when it feels like someone poured syrup down your throat. ) When you talked about things like that before, I didn't think you liked them or ever wanted to...I don't know. Be like that with anyone. Don't you think it's stupid and gross?
( He's been sitting on Lalli's bed this whole time, his hands moving from his lap to gripping the mattress tightly. He can do this, just keep going. Being a mess for two days can't be totally for naught. ) I like you a lot -- I think I do! I don't know a lot about it, but...do you like me?
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...What does he say to this?]
I... I-it is. It's really stupid and gross, and I don't understand why, but you... [Even if he's not speaking, something feels caught in his throat.
"I like you a lot -- I think I do!" What did that mean?] I don't know why you make it okay. You just make a lot of things okay. So...I know I'm not...like everyone else. But I can still feel like this. I guess. I tried to have a choice...
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Everything feels like a disaster, but he's still smiling stupidly now. Ice melts in his guy -- something that had been making him feel so taut lately is gone.
Get it together; he has to regain his composure. Insensitive, much? ) Feeling that way isn't a bad thing! It's not stupid or gross...it's just a way to feel.
Lalli, you mean a lot to me...I don't even really get how much, but it's just the truth. It's... different. From my friends, my family. You're different, but it's not a bad thing. I like you. That's it.
( Despite that whole 'keep it together' thing, he's decidedly not. His tongue is going so fast and he barely understands what he's saying as he says it, but he suddenly feels more excited than he's been in a long while. 'That's it's -- it's really so simple to say it. )
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But he watches, and that doesn't look like those words match the sounds he's hearing or the shape of Emil's lips.]
W... What...?
[No. That didn't make any sense. He didn't see Lalli that way -- he even said so! He...
He says Lalli means a lot to him. Even now, he likes him. That assurance, as insane as it was, helps him get his voice out.]
I don't understand. You're not mad?
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Why would I be mad...? ( Even when Lalli wouldn't just play it straight (lol) with him and left, it was a mutually born frustration that he felt, not anger. ) Are you mad?
( Lisko reaches their claws out from the bed and shrugs with them. Who is this mad person??? )
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No...
[Emil wasn't being an oblivious idiot and tearing his heart in half with every word, so he's not nearly as frustrated. Mostly just scared and confused... Not a huge fan of that, either, but even if it sucked, Emil was being...weirdly...accepting?]
Because I'm... [He's really stumped on this one. He does feel certain that Emil should be mad, but with all the times people have been mad at him before without a reason he understood, it was hard to articulate why.] I don't know. I shouldn't...feel that way, though. Right?
[The meaning of it all still hasn't really sunk in. He had to be misinterpreting something, after all.]
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I mean...I don't think it's a bad feeling, is it? There's nothing wrong with feeling good about someone. I can't see how that would be wrong.
( But this is speaking generally, not to their specific circumstance. ) I don't feel bad...I just didn't think it would be okay since you weren't interested. I think.
( Also because he's dumb, but that's another thing entirely. )
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Bigger feelings, bigger consequences. Bigger chance he was going to screw it all up for everyone and people would get hurt.]
Oh...
[...wait.]
But I am?
[so is it super-double-mega okay??? gods he's confused.]
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So...!? ( All he can do is gesture in front of himself. He likes him, vice versa...he didn't think this far ahead. ) I don't know what we do now.
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None of this made any sense.]
...I don't either. What do you want to do?
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His mind is currently a mess, and he can think of a lot of things he would impulsively like to do. Scream. Just stare into oblivion. Hug Lalli. All of those are varying degrees of "don't do that," so...? It's also not that he sees Lalli as less of a person because of his supposed quirks and nuances, but...his headspace is probably best considered and sussed out first. Maybe this is just another type of, uh, "sensory overload" considering how dulled he is right now. )
What do you want to do? ( You're the more advanced gay, here. The unbelievable idea that Lalli likes him is still rattling his brain a little. Knowing what Lalli wants might ground him in reality a bit more; this is all just so surreal still, shit. )
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Sleep.
[He'd really love to sleep. He watches the space across from him as he rubs circles with his thumbs against Lisko's skin, mentally mapping each bump and groove so he can take comfort in the pattern. Patterns made sense.]
...Hold your hand, maybe.
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Wow. Wow... )
This feels...weird. ( Not a bad weird, at all. It was just strange to think they had held hands before, but not...like this. With a more definitive meaning. If anything, it was nice to be able to understand the tightness and energy he felt in his body a bit more, now felt with even more intensity since permission has been granted. )
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That's safe. Lalli relaxes again, studying the differences between their hands -- it didn't feel like there should be much, with just hands, but when they're right against each other like that, it's easy to see and feel. And it feels warm...
A smile finally curls into place as he curls his free arm around Lisko, pulls them close, and leans against Emil's shoulder.]
But it's real, right? I have you...
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It's hard trying to catalog all of this new information that's come to him so quickly. The idea that it's all happening, all confirmed and true, makes him nervous and fidgety...oh Gods, this sure is a thing. How does he explain this when they go home eventually? )
Yeah...yes. ( Emil finally offers that reassurance and gently strokes Lalli's hand with his thumb, keeping the feeling of connection alive. This is completely uncharted territory, something he's only barely ever thought of, Lalli or not. It doesn't feel so bad to admit that he's lost. )
Is everything different now? ...Do you want anything to be different? ( He doesn't even know the answer, but maybe Lalli does. )
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I don't think so... Why would it be? I like you because you're you, not different.
[Or...however you say that when you don't have your head in the clouds.]
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Not me being different -- sort of. Mmm... ( This is hard to talk about because he doesn't really get it, but...something different happened, so what do they move on to? Something is supposed to be different? Or maybe not, what the fuck does he know. ) You know...are we -- should we be...? Together...now?
( So awkwardly choked out...but this is awkward still. As much as Lalli asks why it would be different, things feel redefined, although he still doesn't have the mental faculty to go very deep into what all would be. This is what he does understand, though -- you like someone, they like you, dating happens.
Except holy shit "dating Lalli" is a WILD ass phrase to think about. )
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Oh. I thought we already were? Since...
[They said they liked each other, so ??????]
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Oh...! Well, alright... ( If that's how it works, then okay. That was easier and more anticlimactic than he thought it should be. This honestly works out for the better, even if it's just pushing off the inevitable. )
...I don't really know how this is supposed to go. Akira just said to think about it, not what all it really means.
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No. I don't know either. But I don't think I'd like it the way everyone else does things... [Er, wait.] Unless you wanted that. And made it less weird. I guess.
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No...I'm sure it's different for everyone, regardless. ( He understands the basic flow of relationships, he's not stupid. It's just a lot to think about...even this small, sudden change is hard to digest. ) It's just...
( Shifting to look at Lalli, he gets a better glimpse at this picture. Lalli sitting there holding his hand, Lisko against him and blink-clicking slowly. Wow...this sure is something to have. A lizard child and his pointy boy--
...Holy shit, that's right. ) You're my boyfriend now. That's...so strange.
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That's embarrassing as heck, though, so he clears his throat and turns his attention back to Lisko.]
Mm. It is. [But, ah... That's not all that helpful, is it...] I don't want things to change just because of that. We're the same people. We're...feeling the same things. We just know, now, and that it's okay. So...
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Lalli does have a strange attractiveness, though. He's got a really good face in general; nice cheekbones, that pointed, upturned nose isn't bad. It's not at all his first time noticing, but things being recontextualized is a...thing.
He lets go of Lalli's hand, hand going up to hesitantly touch the side of his face that's slightly turned away. He says that not much is different, but Emil being able to say he wants to touch Lalli and have it be meaningful is different. What may remain unchanged, he understands, is Lalli's fluctuating want to be touched in certain ways. Testing this boundary is bold, but maybe worth learning about!! )
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...It's going to be hard, [he murmurs, because he can feel this is a test that was just barely passed.] Things still feel like too much sometimes. Even when you make it better. This is fine, right now.
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